Posts
It is weird how things work. Most of the time I sit and contemplate about myself and about other people. Sometimes I have this nagging thing in my gut telling me a person is not really "suitable" as a role model or a friend. Like not wanting to be friend a gangster because he/she will be a bad influence. I'd have this perception about people I judge on first impression and it'll stick as long as I continue seeing the negative signs.
But that's all I do. I judge. I'm a hypocrite to myself. I've always thought that I rarely judge people and when I do so, it'll most probably be right a 100%. I would think that the people who judge outwardly about other people were just plain mean, non-understanding and possibly insecure. What I didn't realise is that I do it too- just in my head. It's just as bad. I made a bad mistake on hiding behind a mask and putting myself on a pedestal.
I'm just something else behind the fancy mask.
Which brings me to my main point; I'm a monster. No, I'm not being all "emo" and self-pitying (well, maybe a little). I just realised that I'm not as great as I thought I was. Just recently I got to meet a girl. She's not that pretty, just average. I'll boldly admit that I think I'm prettier than her. But when I observed her actions and her reactions, I suddenly felt that I'm the uglier one. She's such a beautiful girl inside, which made her outside excuseable and perhaps made it prettier. She wasn't the only one. I've met other girls who do not have what society deem as "beautiful/pretty". But they can be so cheerful and it's just like breathing fresh air up in the mountains when you're with them.
I feel shameful of myself. Here I am trying to make myself prettier (less acne, more make up, better hair, better clothes), but I neglected my self growth. I'm so envious, grumpy and insecure inside that if humans' physical body were the same as their mind, I'd be one ugly girl.
Why can't I just enjoy being myself?
Maybe... when I judge other people, the person that I'm really judging, is me?
But that's all I do. I judge. I'm a hypocrite to myself. I've always thought that I rarely judge people and when I do so, it'll most probably be right a 100%. I would think that the people who judge outwardly about other people were just plain mean, non-understanding and possibly insecure. What I didn't realise is that I do it too- just in my head. It's just as bad. I made a bad mistake on hiding behind a mask and putting myself on a pedestal.
I'm just something else behind the fancy mask.
Which brings me to my main point; I'm a monster. No, I'm not being all "emo" and self-pitying (well, maybe a little). I just realised that I'm not as great as I thought I was. Just recently I got to meet a girl. She's not that pretty, just average. I'll boldly admit that I think I'm prettier than her. But when I observed her actions and her reactions, I suddenly felt that I'm the uglier one. She's such a beautiful girl inside, which made her outside excuseable and perhaps made it prettier. She wasn't the only one. I've met other girls who do not have what society deem as "beautiful/pretty". But they can be so cheerful and it's just like breathing fresh air up in the mountains when you're with them.
I feel shameful of myself. Here I am trying to make myself prettier (less acne, more make up, better hair, better clothes), but I neglected my self growth. I'm so envious, grumpy and insecure inside that if humans' physical body were the same as their mind, I'd be one ugly girl.
Why can't I just enjoy being myself?
Maybe... when I judge other people, the person that I'm really judging, is me?
