It was all coming together, piece by piece. The multiple sighs, the heavy hearts, the pools of tears…

 

An epiphany; it was me. As I let the emotions bubbled up inside of me and worked their way from my stomach, to my chest, to my throat, and out my eyes, I realized that it was me I cried for. It was me that I've failed. It was anger, it was shame, it was guilt- all me.

 

And the little pieces joined to form a partial picture of it all. Then I saw Hope and she had always been my secret lover. I smiled at her as she cradled my face, wiping the tears that brimmed my eyes.

 

Here she is again to entice me back.   

~Joanna

Although today you may weep cause you're weakened
And everything seems so bleak and hopeless, the light that you're seekin'
It begins to seep in, that's the only thing keeping
You from leaping off the mothafreakin' deep end
And I'm pulling for you to push through this feeling
And wit a little time that should do the healing, and by tomorrow
You may even feel so good that you're willing to forgive 'em even after
All the shit you been put through, this feeling of resilience is building
And the flames are burning quick as fire would through this building
You're sealed in, but you're fireproof flame retardant, you withstood it

~Joanna

Hello, dusty world.

That was what she thought as she slowly paced around the empty room. It was dark and lonely. Cloths that were once pearly white were draped across unused furniture scattered across the room. Turning around the room, she saw what once used to be her sanctuary.  That little table at the corner was where she used to write her many thoughts and fantasies. The wardrobe next to it used to be her "secret hide-out". As she shifted across the room, she would occasionally kick up some amount of dust that would dance their way up and disperse themselves around the room. She could picture the time when she would run across the room and jump on the bed, enjoying the trampoline effect her bed gave her. Now, the bed was just another member of the unused furniture.
I missed you.  ~Joanna

~Joanna

~Joanna

It is a race. One where legs pump hard to keep the speed. Faster, faster... she would like to hear the wind flying pass her ears, feel the coolness of the earth's breath on her face and that burn she feel in her legs as she continues to push. 
Then, there is the trip. The one where her feet suddenly could not coordinate and let her shoe hit a part of the ground. With the momentum, it sends her flying forward, feet at an angle away from the ground and hands outstretched to break the fall. Break they did as the skin of her palms scrape against the coarse ground and sand manages to hurt her tender flesh. Soon, her knees followed with impact to the ground and her body rolled twice before it came to a full stop. 
As thick, red blood trickled down her arms and legs, she tried to calm her beating heart that was working overtime both from the run and the fall. She was sitting in an upright position, waiting for the medics to arrive. They took only about a minute, but it was a full minute. 
A minute where she would contemplate if she should have ran as fast as she did and what made her trip. Her own carelessness, or was it a slight obstacle she was unaware of? She looked at her wounds. Damn. It was sure to leave some scars. Her hands were shaking, her breathing rugged. Would she have the courage to get up and run again, or surrender to the care of the medics?
Get up.
A small voice in her head, but it was firm and determined. 
No...
Another, more emotional voice. The two battled for a few seconds. 
And then she was in the air. The wind curled through her hair, whistled at her ears and gently tugged her backwards. She was too fast, too determined to notice. Her legs pumped and her pain forgotten. When she slowed down, she was sure to feel it again, but at that moment, she could not care less. Down the track she goes. It does not matter if she wins, but it matters if she kept going.
That's what she does. She kept going.
~Joanna

Whatever happened, happened for a reason. Granted we may not know all the reasons there is. Perhaps we were being selective with that we want to hear; like the autistic boy whom I teach that would respond to a colleague next to me when she says, "Goodbye!" but pretends not to hear when I say, "Come here for a while." (this is in order to avoid doing any other work that may come from me). Or perhaps we just could not find the reason because it was never given. Or perhaps it was given, but it weaved its way through the many communication systems and got stuck at a bend. Or perhaps Loss is just being a pain and decides to snatch a very loved candy from a child. We cannot really be sure, can we?
Loss came, Loss is, and Loss is imminent. As the timeline of life continues to crawl on, along the way Loss will come and claim some part of your life. Some part of time, some part of your memories and sometimes, the people you treasure. Loss is showing you what life really is. Sometimes the blissful parts of your timeline stays, sometimes, it just cracks and crumbles away. Gaps in a timeline is not a really nice timeline at all, I think. 
What can we do about Loss? We could poke it in the eye and scream obscenities. Or we could learn some helplessness and allow Loss to keep rolling itself unto our memories. Or... maybe we could turn around and talk to Loss, get to know Loss and then smile at Loss because you've found its weakness(es). 
And smiling is just what the doctor ordered. 
But always, always with an open heart. In case Loss ever, by some law of a blue moon, decides to return what it has taken.  ~Joanna

Digging up old works stored in my Documents. There is no Chapter 1 with me as the story was a joined effort and it was my role to write up a Chapter 7. Can't recover the other chapters because I don't remember where this was done. Oh wells. 

“911, what’s your emergency?”

“I think- I think my mom needs help,” I said into the receiver, phone pressed hard against my ear.

“What’s wrong with your mom, honey?” she asked me.

“She’s not moving,” I replied through my sobs. My gaze flicked back to the body slumped on the floor to check again if my mother had moved, even an inch, and that I was calling the lady at the other end of the line for nothing. She did not move at all. I remembered that I had found my guinea pig, Jimmy, one day by the corner of his cage and no matter how much I prod or shoved him, he just wouldn’t budge. Mom had told me he had gone off to a place called heaven, where he had all the good things waiting for him. I was afraid that my mother had gone to the place Jimmy had gone and had left me behind.

“Is she breathing?” I heard her ask. I brought my gaze back to the telephone key pads. The white keys were smeared with red, which were slowly turning brown. I swallowed hard, my breath becoming more and more difficult as heavy tears streamed down the apples of my cheeks. I looked at my mother again to check to see, and hoping with all my heart, if she had moved at all. Nothing. Just her, lying in that big pool of red. I knew then, that all hope was lost.

“No.” I breathed and brought my other hand up to hold the receiver steady. My hands were shaking so badly and they were sticky with sweat and blood. “I think she’s dead.”

***

That was years ago, when I was nine. Two years after my father left and dump the burden of his loan shark debts on us, the year that refused to be forgotten from my memory. My hands were shaking as I dialled 911 for Ethan. I was nervous and fearful, but the concerns were not for him, it was for me.

“911, what’s your emergency?” It took a great effort not to start crying like my eight year old self when I spoke to the person at the other end of the line. I guess what helped a little was that it was a male voice this time and I had to tell myself over and over again that I wasn’t calling about my mother’s murder. I managed to give the situation and what little details Ethan had given me and ended the line, happy to be done.

When I arrived at Roxer Park, two police cruisers were already there with its blue lights flashing as well as a medical team tending to a teenaged girl who was seated in their small ambulance. Ethan was by the bench beside the ladies’ toilet giving his account to a salt-and-peppered hair policeman. The policeman’s partner, or whom I presumed was his partner, was busy keeping the ever growing curious crowd at bay, telling them to go home and that there’s nothing to see. It was him who had stopped me from reaching Ethan, so I had the luxury to pace up and down while waiting for the policeman to finish interviewing him.

I shivered. I never liked scenes like this for it reminded me of things I rather forget. I was studying the cracks on the pavement when a hand landed on my shoulder, making me jump.

There was a chuckle as I turned around to face Ethan.

“I’m sorry, didn’t mean to scare you. Also, sorry for making you wait.”

 “It’s alright,” I waved it off and scanned him for any signs of injuries. “Are you okay? What happened?”

“I’m fine. Some old pervert tried to be funny with that poor girl,” he motioned to the teenager in the ambulance, anger flashing in his eyes. “He’ll be spending his corroded mind in jail.”

“Well, it’s a lucky thing you were there or she’ll be scarred for life.”

“Yeah,” he smiled. I could tell he was happy with a job well done. I breathed a sigh of relief and said, “Well, I’m glad you’re not hurt.”

“I owe you for calling 911 and waiting almost an hour for me,” he said. Behind him a cop was guiding a man in handcuffs to the police cruiser. I scrunched my nose. He did look kind of like a pervert- a dirty pervert in combat boots. My heart stopped. Combat boots.

At that moment I was nine again, hiding behind the big potted plant my mother insisted on keeping beside the television set no matter how ugly I thought it was. She was kneeling down on the carpeted floor, pleading for help and not having the money to pay at the moment. Dark brown combat boots walked into view, there was shouting and before I knew it, I saw the glint of the knife and the gush of blood that spurted out from my mother’s throat. Too scared to scream, too frozen to move, I sat there behind that big plant watching the scene unfold until those combat boots walked out of my view and out of the house. It was the only detail that I ever got of the killer. If only I had just moved a little to get a look at the person’s face, I could have my mother’s murderer locked up. Now, he’s just walking free, probably slaughtering someone else’s-

“Lexie? Hey, you alright?” Ethan’s face came into view as he waved his palm in front of my face. I watched the police cruiser drive away. Ethan turned to look at the cruiser too and then turn back to me. “You recognise the guy or something?”

“N-no,” I stuttered and turned back to Ethan whose facial features looked like a cross between worried and puzzled. Feeling embarrassed for acting like a nut case, I pulled my full attention on Ethan and cleared my throat.  “Just that he had something that reminded me of something.”

“What is it?”

“You know what? It’s nothing,” I waved a hand nonchalantly, waving the issue away. “I guess I’m… hungry! When I’m hungry, I act really weird. Let’s get something to eat.”

“Okay…” he said slowly, still checking to see if I was alright. I smiled to reassure him and to my relief, he continued. “As I was saying earlier, there’s this great pizza place just a few blocks from here. They just opened but the food is great! My treat.”

“Fantastic,” I replied. We both walked the few blocks down to a place called Tony’s Pizzeria. Ethan dominated most of our conversations. In fact, I could not remember most of it or what I said. I tried to act as normal as possible wishing that Ethan wouldn’t start asking if I was okay again. The scene that happened years ago had been revived and now fresh in my mind. Where was the killer now? I felt a strong urge to find out, but I didn’t know where to start.

Before I knew it, it was evening and Ethan was walking me to my car. I remember mumbling something about having a fun time and then I was home. I crashed in bed, with a million questions in my mind before I drifted off to sleep and into a nightmare.

~Joanna

I may not have all the answers with me. I may not be 100% okay. In fact, who is ever 100% okay?  I do, however, have the motivation to look forward. The courage to face what comes next. The confidence that I made the right choices even if they seem wrong at some moment. I am discovering, I am taking risks, I am happy. There are no regrets here. Definitely no regrets.  I can smile and close my eyes in perfect peace.  ~Joanna

I read today what I should have read weeks ago. I didn't notice until today, that a long note was left and it was left unread. 
All is forgiven, forgotten, but cherished and appreciated. 
~Joanna

On March 31st this year, I promised myself that I would return smiles to my face. After a long, hard, struggle, the genuine smile is back. I did not do it alone, of course. There were friends and concerned acquaintances. However, at the core, real peace is found only by one- me. 
There were heartbreaks along the way, but I had gone through a period of self-discovery. I've finally found my peace. With that, no matter I am with someone or without someone, I'm happy just being.
~Joanna

23! No longer having the age with good looking even numbers. 
Compared to the previous year, I feel happier, with a striving to continue growing for the better. But there's a long, long road ahead of me... and I think I'm ready to face it. 
It has been great :)

~Joanna

When dealing with mess, I tend to look toward the person who can deal it all away. 
Now that I am trying to learn how to be independent and now that the mess that I have is fully under my responsibility, I need to learn how to deal with it. 
Take a broom, sweep it away. Take a mop, mop it clean. Man, this mess is so annoying.
But as always, we learn from our mistakes. I am appreciative of this lesson. Just hope it does not cost much. ~Joanna

Sitting at the ledge, she let her legs dangle and swing. Way below were illuminating lights from passing motorists and cars. The night brought a gentle, cooling breeze and it lightly swept her hair backwards. Her lips curved and her eyes closed, depicting the serenity she felt. This was it. This is what life have come to and she had finally reached the conclusion.

"Tara!" Shocked, surprised, or pained, she could not tell. One thing's for sure, the voice was a little too high pitched and sharp for a time like this. She allowed herself to be brought out from the calm, her eyes fluttered open and searched for the source.

As expected, his face showed a multitude of concern, surprise, worry even. His brows were pulled upward, eyes were widened and mouth was left ajar. It took a moment before it started moving again. "What do you think you're doing?"

Poor Daniel. She wanted to tell him how not to worry, that everything was okay. All confusion, worries and problems will be solved and be done with soon. Just that she could not find the energy to exercise her vocal chords. The serenity that enveloped her previously still held her body captive and her mind adrift from the world inside the apartment. The bright, colourful apartment that she and him furnished together- built a life together.

"Please," he spoke again, a tinge of desperation. "Whatever it is, we can talk about it. We'll figure it out."

"It's already been figured out, Dan," she gave a simple smile.

He shook his head, his brows pulled together. She saw him inch just a little closer toward the balcony. "No, not like this."

"My mind has already been made up."

"There's still space and time to rethink."

"It's been thought out, Dan. It's already been done." She unfolded the paper she held in her hands and set it on the small table that stood beside her.

"W-what do you mean?" This time he was frozen. Too afraid to move. The only reply he got back was her smile. She looked beautiful with that smile. He always loved her smile. Rows of perfect teeth, dimples on each side of her cheeks. Except this time, he was not graced with her beautiful green eyes that would light up whenever she smiled. It was sad, maybe a little judgemental. Then, the next thing he could recall was her hair. Those maroon strands that floated in the wind as she fell forward, out into the open, twenty feet space.

He did not know how he got the ledge. It was as if his body and his mind had separated. His hands were white with gripping the bar tight, his heart was pounding fast, he was sure he heard a really awful sound, only to realise later that it came from him. He did not know how long it was, or how it happened, but he felt a pair of hands grip his shoulders and turned him around. A pair of concerned eyes, which he thought looked oddly familiar, but he could only think of pleading with the person to save her or at least let him go so he could get to her. He managed to get out of the stranger's hold and ran towards the apartment door which coincidentally opened. Two men stepped in and headed towards him. They held him and locked his hands behind him.

"What are you doing?!" He shouted and struggled against their grip. "Let me get to her! Tara! TARA!"

"It's alright," said a voice. He felt a pinch on his arm, saw a syringe before everything went blur and then black.

~Joanna

Google translated?

Boat harbor bursts of distant flute

I have been wandering to pick up by you

Today, looking at the reflection window glass

I have a strange but familiar

I can Smile a little more

Sing a little more

Feel a little more

All because of you

Is happy to say good day to day practice

Laugh a little more practice

Love myself a little more

To learn to be more kind to myself

For you, I become a Better me

Not be separated from what is really

Miss and understanding can replace all the words

One day life will grow old with you okay thank you

In your eyes I see the better in me

Coz I can Smile a little more

Sing a little more

Feel a little more full because you

Is happy to say good day to day practice

Laugh a little more practice

Love myself a little more

To learn to be more kind to myself

For you, I become a Better me

That is so magical

Former wrong have meaning

Taught me to put aside all suspicion might

I also deserve a beautiful miracle

My tears will fall

Not because of cowardice

Instead, let me thank the day I met you

Otherwise, today will not be so courageous

Now I promise to you

And I can swear to you

For you I will cherish my own *

You can be proud of doing a Better me

One worthy of your love Better me

~Joanna

When starting to realise the fact that there is that thought every day, no matter how small.... Annoying.
Where is the delete button in real life?
~Joanna

I don't know where this came from, but I thought it was a good read. 

The phone rang. 

She was sobbing badly on the other end of the line.

“I’m going over,” I told her and hung up before she could protest.

1am. It was going to be a long night ahead..

She was still crying when she opened the door. She looked so broken, so vulnerable. I didn’t have to know what was wrong, I just held her in my arms. She cried even more.

“He broke up with me,” she finally said.

I just kept quiet as she let it all out.. questions, tears, anger, hurt.

“Why does love have to hurt so much?”

“No, love.. doesn’t hurt,” I said gently.

“So says the guy who’s been single forever? What would you know about love,” she jabbed.

“So says the guy who’s been your friend though Mr now-ex-#4,” I grinned. “Love doesn’t hurt you.. it’s the person that doesn’t know how to love or appreciate love that hurts you. But love never hurts,”.

“You won’t understand, Matt,” she sighed, “you’ve never been in love…”

“That’s not entirely true, you know..”

“Wait what- so who’s this girl I’ve never heard abou-“

“What did you love about #4 anyway?” I interjected.

“I don’t know… he is just perfect. And I love him so much,”

“But you don’t know what it is that you love about him?”

“It’s just.. the feeling when I’m with him. It always felt right with him. He made me feel loved and I loved him too,”

“That’s it? Just a feeling?”

“Well.. yea. What were you expecting me to say?”

“.. something more specific, maybe? I mean, if you thought he’s so ‘perfect’, why’d he still chea- erm, why’d he leave you?”

“Because I’m just not good enough for him? I don’t know..” she paused. “What is love to you then…”

“Hmm.. to me, being together or in love with someone should be more that just a feeling.. it should also be about mutual understanding, acceptance, respect, commitment and trust.”

“That’s what all couples would hope and want their relationship to be like, Matt. But expectations and reality don’t always go together..”

“Or maybe.. someone’s just not trying?”

“Well if you think love is so simple.. why haven’t you been with anyone all these years?”

“I never said love was simple.. but I guess the reason why I’ve never been with anyone yet is because.. I already know exactly what I want,”

“You have.. a checklist?”

“Sorta. It’s not the typical kinda ‘I’d like a girl with long hair, nice smile, etc’ superficial checklist though,”

“Oh. What kind of list is it then?”

“It’s like.. a concept of love. Of what it is about a girl that will make me fall completely in love with her. A concept that has more than three specific reasons that would answer any question as to why I love her.”

“You have a concept of love?” she laughed. “Love isn’t a theory, Matt.. you can’t just classify love by a concept or definition, you simply feel it with your heart..”

“But you see.. the reason why I think there are so many broken hearts, is because people merely jump into a relationship when their heart feels a certain something towards someone. But I don’t think that’s love, that’s merely an infatuation. Personally, I believe there are more than three reasons and aspects that actually determines whether we really are truly in love beyond the superficial ‘I don’t know why I love him/her.. I just do’ reason,”

“That makes sense. So what exactly is this.. ‘concept’ of yours about?” she asked, genuine curiosity replacing her initial skepticism.

“I call it the 4+1 theory. The aspects that will determine if it’s true love or just a fickle infatuation. It’s based on this idea that whenever we like someone, if we really go deeper into what is it that draws us to him or her, we’d be able to find that one specific reason. That’s not love though. That’s merely an attraction or infatuation. But when more than three of the aspects from this theory are present, you’ll be pretty sure that it’s more than just a feeling. For me personally, this determines if I’ll ever fall in love with a girl…”

Mind. Heart. Body. Soul.

The mind aspect, to put it simply, is her intellect. But I don’t mean the academic smarts.. it’s the way she thinks, processes and analyzes things way beyond a shallow self centeredness. It’s the way she puts across her thoughts, not for winning an argument’s sake, but to really try to understand or even sensibly debate opposing views that might leave anyone reflecting on her words or challenge me to think differently. It’s the way she carries herself off with an aura of sophistication and enigmatic charm and no matter how much I might think I already know her or have her figured out, she’ll still surprise me with something unexpected. Good surprise. I like intellect. Personally, it takes a little more to intrigue me and stimulate my senses. If I can connect with someone and talk endlessly about the concept of nothing, then, only then, will we be able to talk about everything else.. and I think that’s incredibly alluring,”

“Ooh.. so my best friend’s sapiosexual too,” she teased. “But what about her likes and dislikes or like her personality.. does that go under the mind aspect too?”

“Well, that’s where the heart aspect comes in. The heart represents who she is by what she values or cares about. The things she likes, the things she dislikes. What really matters to her, as well as her insecurities and fears..”

She bit her lower lip - thinking. “But what if him knowing about my past and all my insecurities scares him or drives him away? Or what if he ever uses all of these against me if someday things go bad between us?”

“Erm.. you do realize that it doesn’t really matter now because whether or not he ever knew, he already chose to leave you right? But.. if he still or ever tries to hurt you in any way, then he is a fucking bastard and I will punch his face,”. I really meant it.

“I don’t think he even cares about me anymore,” she sighed, “maybe he never really did.. we were so.. different. I don’t know why I never actually realize it before,”

“Maybe because then, you were too ‘blinded by love’ to see, or you chose to conveniently ignore the differences. Honestly though, I think it’s critical for two people to understand each other’s heart and learn to accommodate each other’s differences rather than simply turning a blind eye or deaf ear ‘because I love him and that’s all that matters’. Because if two people are too different in the way they think, behave or live.. I reckon it will become a huge problem when the infatuation bubble bursts.”

“I don’t really understand..” she said.

“Let me just ask you this.. does he know how passionate you are towards the arts and music?"

“Well, no.. not really. He’s more the sports kind of guy and doesn’t like theatre and stuff so I didn’t want him to get bored if I talked to him about things he isn’t interested in..”

“Then i’m guessing he probably also doesn’t care or know the little things about you. Like how you’re afraid of the dark and why you’re actually scared of darkness.. how family and relationships are really important to you.. that ice cream is your happy pill. You know, I’m even going to bet that he doesn’t know you go to bed every night, clutching your phone just hoping and waiting for him to text you goodnight..”

She started to tear again, but I continued..

“You see, it’s not a matter of whether it bores him or not.. it’s a matter of whether he bothers or not. I mean, if he doesn’t even know these things about you, then he really doesn’t know you at all. How then can he say he loves you?”

“But I really loved him,” she murmured softly to herself .

“I know you did. I know you still do and it’s hurting you like shit. But you need to know that for any kind of relationship to work.. two people need to give and take. Sadly, with him, it seems like you’re the one who was always giving. If he actually really loved you back as much, he’d make a greater effort to close the gap and bridge the differences between you two. He’d want to hear what you have to say, he would actually consider your opinions, your needs and your feelings. He’ll not just tell you or text you that he loves you.. he’ll show it by the things he will do or be willing to do no matter how inconvenient or silly it might be, just because.. he knows it’ll make you happier or better. To me, when it comes to a relationship, the heart aspect isn’t just a feeling or who you/he or she is anymore. It becomes two hearts beating as one. Two people wanting to understand each other.. sharing the good, the bad and possibly a future together; actually bothering and supporting each other’s feelings, values, dreams, thoughts, emotions,”

She stayed silent for a long while before she looked up, holding my gaze.. there was this unspoken tension building before she finally spoke again.

“But.. what if something that’s important to me, is not something the guy might feel same way about?"

“Then I’ll try-” I caught myself. “I mean, if I were him. I’d try. I’d make the effort.. because it’s important to you and you’re important to me,”

She remained silent again. She wasn’t crying anymore but this time, the prolonged silence was starting to grow even more deafening.

“Matt,” she finally spoke - softly, “do you believe in love at first sight?”

“No.” I said flatly.

“Oh..” she sighed. “You know what you said about mind and heart.. it’s actually starting to sink in and I’m beginning to realize that maybe these two aspects weren’t exactly a big part of my relationship with him,”

“So what made you fall in love with him then?”

“Well.. don’t laugh, but I’ve always thought that with him, it was love at first sight. I mean, there was just this spark between us from the very first time we met,”

“Cause he was hot?” I scoffed.

“No.. don’t be an idiot,” she tried to hide her smile but failed. I rolled my eyes. “Okay fine, yea maybe that. But it wasn’t the only reason!”

I raised an eyebrow.

“He was really nice too! And he was always sweet to me,“ she began her defense case. “He always made me feel happy, secure and loved without even having to try, you know?” I just continued staring at her waiting for her to go on. “Oh never mind, you’d never understand..”

“Actually.. I do. And I think I now understand what it was that made you fall in love with him.

The body aspect.

The body aspect is about physical attraction, intimacy and presence.

I don’t believe in love at first sight. I don’t believe you can just “instantly know” you’re in love or that someone’s THE one just by “first sight”. No offense, but I think the whole love at first sight concept is bullshit that only exists in movies and fairy tales. In reality, it isn’t love. That very first attraction.. is probably lust. Lust at first sight”.

“What nonsense! It’s not like I was lusting over him from the very first time I laid eyes on him! Maybe it’s the case for guys.. I mean, sex is always on a guy’s mind whenever he meets a girl right? But it’s different for girls, Matt..” she protested.

“Okay. You know what.. since you brought up the age-old guys and sex debate, I’ll tell you this secret to clarify something about guys for the first and last time.. probably 99% of guys are naturally sexual. If you ever meet any guy who tells you he isn’t sexual at all, it’s not that he’s gay – no, gays are even more horny .. he’s likely to be a liar and you should be more wary of him. BUT! Here’s the thing.. even though guys are sexual by nature, it isn’t always the only or most important thing to a guy,”

“Really?” now she raised her eyebrow with that annoying smirk on her face.

“Oh come on, you girls know how it is, plus you aren’t exactly saint-like innocent either.. sometimes you see a hot guy and you start fantasizing or making statements like ‘omg have my babies’..”

“That…” she started blushing.

“That.. is exactly my point. It’s the same with guys. We might talk and think about sex a lot more openly than girls but it isn’t always the only thing on our mind. When I said it’s lust at first sight.. I didn’t literally mean you want the guy naked and in bed. What I meant is the momentary attraction or desire– he might be hot, he might be charming, he might have smiled at you that made you feel a certain way.. but that’s not love. That’s really just a superficial physical attraction. Saying “I’m in love” right there and then just completely takes the special meaning out of the word ‘love’. If you ask me, I personally think the process of loving or falling in love with someone involves discovering the person and then perhaps developing feelings. It could happen quickly or over a longer period of time, but not at first sight,”

“Hmm.. that does make sense,” she paused and then her lips curled up forming that annoying smirk again. “Oh wow, this is the first time you and I are talking about sex huh..”.

“You never asked..”

“Tell me then.. what is sex to you?”

“Sex.. to me, is merely a physical act. I am not part of the whole “sex is sacred/taboo” camp but then, I don’t take sides with the whole bed hopping culture either,”

“I can’t believe you just said that sex is merely a physical act..” she began in a disappointed tone.

“But sex really is just a physical act if it’s without emotions or feelings. And that is why I distinguish between sex and making love, the same way I clearly differentiate ‘loving’ and ‘being in love’ with someone,”

“Oh.” this time, she smiled. She understood.

“Don’t get me wrong.. I think physical intimacy is very important in a relationship but for me, the one physical aspect that matters the most.. is the physical presence. That, is also what I reckon made you fall in love with him.

“Okay this, I really want to know…” she said.

“The physical presence is simply being there. You want him to be with you. You want to be there for him. Because just being there with or for each other makes your day, or you as a person, a little better. You may act or behave a little different when you’re with him, but in a good way – in a way that you actually feel completely comfortable, safe and you. Perhaps even without you knowing, you smile more and laugh harder. You feel real, genuine joy. And even on days when the smile can’t happen, you know you don’t have to pretend to be okay or be self conscious in front of him; because its perfectly okay to be the way you are and feel when you’re with him. He cares about you and you feel loved when you’re with him. Sometimes, there are no need for words or explanations.. just his presence, him being there for you, holding you.. makes you feel better or believe that it’s going to be okay again. Because you’re not just holding on to someone for attention or sympathy.. you actually feel and believe that you’re holding on to a part of or the rest of your life..”

Which leads to the fourth aspect – soul.

The soul aspect to me, is the deepest form and the final affirmation that should answer any remaining doubt or questions as to whether we’ve truly fallen in love with a person.

It’s when you start noticing but still appreciate all the other little things, even the flaws - especially the flaws. It’s when you truly know a person stripped down of all their walls, exposed to their soul and yet still accept and love him or her. It’s a level of understanding and acceptance that goes beyond the “honeymoon everything is perfect” period.

It’s when you finally realize this one person is someone you can always and want to tell everything to, and you want to ask and know everything of him or her as well. It’s when you actually want to share your life and trust your secrets with this person; and you can. This someone is the first person you think of when you’re happy, sad or when something significant happens. This same person is someone you can call at 1am in the morning and they’d drop everything to make time for you, staying by you till the sun rises or you’re better again - as you would for him or her as well. This person cares and will listen. Will really listen, giving you their undivided attention and genuine love; not necessarily every time but any time you need him or her. This one person makes your problem their problem and they go through it together with you just so you don’t have to go through the pain and tears alone,”

It was at this moment, for the very first time, she looked at me in a different way but said nothing.

“You see, the soul aspect..” I continued, “is when you start to see and want to share the rest of your life with this one other. And not in a clingy “I can’t live without you” way, but in a way that I can still live my life without you as I have before I met you, but now that you’ve come to exist in my life, I see the possibility of a life with you and now I actually want to make decisions and live a life, continuing to create more moments and memories together with you”.

“Well.. so.. have you met this one person yet? I mean, I’m sure it’s almost impossible to find that ‘perfect’ girl who fulfills all of your four aspects of love right?” she mumbled. I could barely hear her. She wasn’t even looking at me anymore.

“No, it is not impossible and I don’t think its asking for too much. You see the thing about these four aspects is, we often and will find one or two aspects in many different people. And that alone may be enough to make us attracted to them or develop a crush on them. But really, that is not love at all. If we like a person because “he’s cute” or “the way she thinks”, that’s just us liking the body and/or mind aspect of a person. The reality is, we are always going to meet many people who possess these different aspects of mind, heart, body or soul. But on a rare occasion when you do meet someone who possess all these four aspects.. you’ll almost definitely know that he or she is not one of many but may just be the one. So personally, I won’t settle for anything less unless she possess more than three qualities. You know people write the symbol of love as < 3 (less than three), I actually think love should be more than three.. I define it as 4+1. “

“So what’s plus one?” she asked, still not looking at me.

“Plus one…” I trailed off – unconsciously.

“Matt?” she placed her hand on top of mine, finally looking me in eye again.

“Plus one.. is something only the one who's meant to be will ever know and hold the answer to”.



end.

~Joanna

This awesome YouTuber made a modern adaptation of Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice in video logs. Pride and Prejudice is one of my favourite books to read. I find the storytelling really interesting and well made- with enough humour and background story. The first episode is below: 

For more episodes, find them here. ~Joanna

Sometimes, there are no words to what I want to say. There are just feelings; one big lump sum of feelings that are interwoven with millions, perhaps zillions of words. Still, with all the words, nothing can describe what goes on in those feelings in a split second.
In one second, there are an equivalent of a bucket of words, overflowing, to be able to truly communicate what I think and feel. But there's a core. The core is that I wish be able to tell or say... all those things to you. People always wonder why don't the situation change for the better. Why am I like this... then they say they understand. What do they understand?
What I have, it is infinite. Bottomless. However, I hide it just like hiding a trap on the ground. On the surface it looks fine, but uncover it and you will know the depth. That bottomless, infinite thing- I left it there. I walked away. Sometimes, I walked back to it to check if the surface has been disturbed. Sometimes I uncover it and peek into it. 
But it is still there. Just that you won't be able to find it.
~Joanna

Another song stuck in my head.

---

如果說了太多 請你別再閃躲
那尷尬的笑容 會讓我更難過
就算只是朋友 你能不能夠直話直說 讓我懂

都怪你的灑脫 溫暖了我胸口
但曖昧很沈重 讓親暱成了折磨

不要看著我 天真的說
現在的你是多麼脆弱
這樣諷刺 求救 原來最痛

我不敢哭 因為我不想認輸
你的心為她守護 我比誰都清楚
我不敢哭 或許也是種認輸
愛你卻說不出 就當作祝福

如果愛是自由 為何無法回收
我在你的左右 也不過是個棘手

不要看著我 天真的說
現在的你是多麼脆弱
這樣諷刺 求救 原來最痛

我不敢哭 因為我不想認輸
你的心為她守護 我比誰都清楚
我不敢哭 或許也是種認輸
愛你卻說不出 就當作祝福 oh oh~

我不敢哭 因為我不想認輸
你的心為她守護 我比誰都清楚
我不敢哭 或許也是種認輸
愛你卻說不出 就當作祝福

~Joanna