Musings of Joadele

Decisions

Decisions. They are part of what shapes your life. Every moment of thought, every second of comprehending, every move you take channels to the decisions you are about to take. Sometimes decisions need to be carefully thought out, need to be well planned. And sometimes, decisions just need to be taken immediately just like in a case of emergency. Decisions need to be good because once a decision is made, it can't be taken back. There's only repair work to do. But what happens when you are faced with a dilemma in decisions. It can be good either way. What if you chose the worse instead of the better?

And why is it that we sometimes make decisions that we said we wouldn't make? I used to dislike people like that. They who say one thing but do the other. I called them hypocrites. However, for now I find myself being just like the people I dislike. I guess now I understand how is it like when you're faced with a dilemma. I'm sure everyone reading this has, at certain time, been an "I won't do that" person to someone who did it later on. What is the main reason that we do these things anyway? Did we just end up making the wrong choice? Or are we now finally understanding how it is to be in a certain situation?

Were we thinking straight? For example, I had a friend who said that she wouldn't give out her virginity easily. But somehow, along the way in a short term relationship with a boy, there goes it. Makes me wonder about the people who were/are like my friend (The focus here isn't my friend, but the decision she made. Remember, DECISION!). What were they thinking? Did the guy give pressure? Was it something done semi-consciously? Or did something happen and things just got desperate?

I wonder what drives us to make a decision we say we wouldn't. Desperation? Thought was the right thing? A sudden lost of rationality? The Devil attacked? I wonder how many times we regret making those decisions. I know I've done a load of things that I say I wouldn't. Sometimes I regret them, sometimes I feel scared and sometimes I question myself, "Did I just do that? Was it the right thing? Was it worth?". But the main fact is, I've become a hypocrite.

Who isn't anyway?

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, by Joadele

In thoughts,

Heartbreak

Sometimes a heartbreak is just a heartbreak. You can piece it back together or you could let the pieces fly loose. Different people can break your heart for many different reasons. The people who are close to you, the person you thought you knew well ends up like the person you just met on the street. A complete stranger in that momentary time of hurt and anger.

Sometimes you take a heartbreak, other times you give them. Sometimes you wouldn't even realise how big of a crack you've done on one person's heart until that heart is broken into tiny little pieces. It's really hard when you want to glue them back together. Be it yours or someone else's.

Sometimes, when you've got your heart broken, glue it back together, get it broken again, glue it back

together again and broken time and time again, you just learn how to live with it. Slowly, that heart break just become a normal, everyday occurance that becomes part of who you are, your invisible friend and very much an invisible foe that you try to fight. And because it is invisible, you tend to even forget it's there. Until when the time it decides to just remind you that it is right beside you, it pokes right through your nerves and that empty, hollow space you felt just fills up with sorrow. A push from that person you thought you knew well.

But sometimes, you're the one pushing. You're no longer the victim but the predator. And then your heart breaks just as the other person's heart does, because it's the person close to you. Because you never knew you had so much strength on someone's soul. Because you realise that it isn't the other that is the monster, but you.

A relationship is like a cycle. There are times when the other hurts you, and then there are times when you hurt the other right back. Is it endless? Is it just a phase? How much of a heart break can a soul stand? How much strength does one use? And would we get so used to it until we no longer notice it's even there?

But then, sometimes a heart break goes away because you realise just how much you love that person and just how much he means to you. Maybe, you're right. Or maybe, you're just being naive. Lost in your little world that no one, not even the person closest, would understand and appreciate.

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, by Joadele

In love,

Incubus - Love Hurts

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, by Joadele

In personal life, thoughts

A Kind Of Friend

Hey, you. Yeah, you. What is a friend to you? Why do you say one thing but do the next thing so differently? Are those just sweet talks you send to me? Maybe we had friction from the start. Maybe. Or maybe we were alright but as time passes us by, things change.

High school. What a different life for me. We spent our time during recesses, laughed together and when you cried, I comforted you. I was there for you. I listened to you. Or maybe I was just laughing alone, comforted no one and was there for nothing. Certain times you pushed me away, shut me out. But I didn't complain. Afterall, personal things are personal things; best left untouched. When you had trouble, I came to your aid. I pulled others in along with me. My compassion for you has made other people follow me down the road of nowhere. And my naivity lead us to a big debt.

I remember when I found out you "backstabbed" me by telling the guy I liked that I'm not a good person. A friend. What am I to you? I don't know what exactly you said, but yeah, you could be right. But telling the guy I like? Or maybe you didn't know yet I liked him. Giving a bad impression of me to other people? And I defended you when other people talked crap.

So what happened? Perhaps I shouldn't have doubted you when I did. Perhaps I shouldn't have even talked to you about something personal. Perhaps I shouldn't have criticized too much. But it involves me. Did you ever think of how I would feel? Did you ever think about what other people would think? Are you so lost in your own world that you have forgotten us? The people who helped you, the people who asked what was wrong. But soon we drifted away as we lost contact. As we don't know what in the world is happening next with you.

So what is a friend to you, huh? The people who only give you joy and not critical judgement to improve yourself? The people who spend money on you? The people who don't ask what's happening in your life? A friend. Me. You told the world I was your friend. Yet, I'm not prioritized in your list. You don't update me, you don't tell me your problems. Nothing. Just a simple few sentences of small talk.

And you. The other you. I know you're only trying to tell me what kind of friend I'm having. I know you're only caring. But you don't have to tell me her weak points. I believe that there are things even we can't see. We can't just judge so much. We don't know her. Have we been so personal with her that we know her every thought? That we 100% know her motives? We don't. So please, just leave it be. Let me have my thoughts, my perceptions and my judgement of her.