I cannot describe how much I am going to miss this, or how much otherwise I wish this situation is.
Honestly, I cannot believe it, cannot come into terms with it. I can dream up situations where he will change his mind or come back weeks later to say it was a bad mistake, but it has ended. My dreams will stay dreams, my wishes will stay wishes. My regrets will always be regrets that will haunt me in this process. Things that I could have said, things I could have done, earlier, later.... My cognitive dissonance driven by the fact of thinking it was the right thing to do, and the wrong thing as well.
I cannot describe the emotional roller coaster that is flying through my chest. That wave that comes every once in a while to give my heart a drop. Then my brain takes over and calms my heart down... but only for a little while.
One thing I am sure, I love him dearly. I wouldn't have tolerated or stayed longer for him if it were otherwise. I dreamt far off when I would act as his wife; cook him his breakfast, straighten his tie, wait for him at night... all of these I have to stop myself. The urge to just march right up to him and demand to have another try.
I come home and put my bag down, and I see so many memories of him. Everywhere, in everything. Then I sit here, unsure of what to do, what to say, or how to cope with the reality. I realise I really do love him and it's so painful, indescribably painful, to have it end. And hope. I search for hope.
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