2007 - Musings of Joadele

In expressions, In Memory Of

In Loving Memory Of

, by Joadele

In personal life,

Counting Down...

Here's a looong post, after a looong time of being inactive!

Counting down til SPM starts. Kinda nervous.... OK, no. I'm very nervous. Can't believe I'm getting stressed over studies. I don't usually get stressed over studies! Must be the PMS talking. Hmm...

Well, well. Believe it or not, I actually s-t-u-d-i-e-d today! Yup yup. Did some memorizing work. Still feel it isn't enough though. I studied in front of the computer, then decided to study in the living room. Less distractions. Haha! Suddenly couldn't focus anymore so I moved my butt to the piano seat.

Piano is relaxing~

And do you know what's awesome? Dad actually calmed my nerves! I've been stressed out about what he would think of my results and how he would if I didn't meet a high standards and all. But he told me that I should forget the books, forget my stress, treat my SPM like any other normal exam, and play more piano. It isn't my results that he's looking for, it's how far I can go. Even if I get 3A's, that's alright. Cause I'll still be continueing my studies. You have no idea how glad I am to hear that. I heart my dad. <3

I'm still gonna continue studying anyway. Just to see how far I can go. However, lunch was spoiled by my dad not letting me to go Pangkor with my friends in Dec. *sigh* I was so looking forward to it and one tiny needle bursted my bubble. Felt so incredibly disappointed.

My darkness was brightened by Goat though. =D Just went out of the house without waiting to hear my parents object and hanged at his place. We tried to study. Landed up wasting our time. Haha! Also, had a party after that. It was quite dull at first, but as the night grew older, things got wilder! Yeeeaaaahhhhhh... I can't believe I started dancing to indian songs, but... what the heck. Party's meant for enjoyment and it feels sooo good dancing. The guard at the guardhouse nearby started it all by just jumping into the middle of our human made circle and danced like no one's there! The night ended with Charades!!! Girls vs Guys. It was an action-packed comedy. One of my favourite moments of all time. Great game.

I'm so tired now. Just gonna SMS a while before doozing off.

, by Joadele

Humour Supplement #1

, by Joadele

In personal life,

Panick Attacks?

, by Joadele

In expressions, personal life

Intentions

, by Joadele

In expressions,

In Loving Arms

, by Joadele

Envy

, by Joadele

In expressions, love

Love And Obsession

This is a little something I came up with while praying in church (bad me, mind wondering while praying). It's not edited or checked to I hope it has very few errors. I might change it... when I feel like it. Haha. Other than that, enjoy. =)

For months I have gotten to know you and I slowly fell in love. My heart, which I kept so guarded, was taken away from its jail and landed up in your palms. But we were too young to start, we both knew it. So we danced around each other instead, randomly playing with each other's feelings. Yet we got closer. And one day I asked you out.

Our first date, something I will never forget. How can I when I loved you terribly so? I have been meaning to ask you to be mine for sometime. However, my fear overtook me and stopped me from doing so. And that day… that day I finally found courage to help me. You said you would think about it. My hope fell. Were you thinking of rejecting me? Why do you have to think if you love me so? For those few days, I was restless, silently praying for the best. I tried to study your actions but that only filled my head with more worries. Oh Samantha, the day you said yes I was so relieved! And I was overjoyed.

This love for you grew, Samantha. It grew and I did not care. Did not see where this would go, did not think about it. All I knew is that I was happy and I felt lucky having you. For years I have waited for you, Samantha. And I finally have you. The arguments that came, I did not pay much heed. After all, what kind of relationship does not have arguments or disagreements? I knew more about you, your talents, your fears, your thinking. I started thinking like you too. I started to be one with you. I did not know how this love would turn out, Samantha.

That day when we broke up over a stupid argument was the day that shattered me. It shattered us both. We did not even get a few things straight. You left with my heart and I was left with a head full of questions. My veins were then filled with anger and depression. Wasn't I good enough? Shouldn't I have done that? Perhaps I could have stopped the break up. Why did I only think about it when everything is over? And you even filled me with the hope that maybe we could get back together again. I was so ready for it. I waited for you like waiting for rain in the desert. My love for you was not broken yet.

Before I realised it, my love turned into obsession over you. You seemed to be doing better than me, Sam. I followed the news about you. I knew where you went, I read about your growing talents. How you became a model to how you were growing as a singer. Your pictures are amazing and your songs are great. I knew your talents would get you far someday. I was happy when you called to ask me how I was. Despite your busy schedule you did not fail to know about your old flame. At that time I couldn't help thinking, "Am I still your flame?"

Unfortunately you disappointed me again and again. I found that you had so many fans, so many suitors, and so many admirers. What am I compared to them? When I needed you, you weren't there. You were busy with your work; practically married to it. And like a foolish man waiting for water to fall from the sky in the desert instead of looking for it, I was slowly dying of thirst.

One day I finally decided I can't do this to myself any longer. I tried to break my habit; my obsession with you. And like a blind man who had just gotten new eyes, I slowly adjusted to my surroundings; my life without you, without being blinded anymore. No doubt, I still look forward to hearing your voice, to seeing your face, to have you smile at me, but I began to let those go, one by one. Obsession is a hard thing to get over.

Then I met her. She makes me smile again, Sam. I'm even laughing for real! You can't imagine how free I feel, released from your binding chains. It feels like I have been underwater for too long and am now taking my first breath of fresh air. She is nothing like you. Not as pretty as you, but I find her beautiful. Not as talented as you, but I can see something growing.

"Come out and spend time with me, Jake."

Why do you want to patch things up now? Of course I don't feel for her what I felt for you. Not yet anyway. Don't look at me that way, Sam. I am happy now and I am cured off my blindness. Or so I think. There will always be this small space for you in my heart. But other than that, I am moving on. Would a blind man go back to being blind again, Sam?

I am running ahead in this race and I wish you well.

, by Joadele

In articles, thoughts

Words Of Wisdom

Well, for those of you who feel that you're stuck or at a dead end and can't figure out why everything's happening all at once, these are some words for you. They aren't mine, I just got it from my e-mail. Words of hope for ya'll. Read and think. =)

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there. To serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson or help figure out who you are or who you want to become.

You never know who these people may be but when you lock eyes with them, you
know that very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way.
And sometimes things happen to you at the time that may seem horrible,
painful and unfair, but in reflection you realize that without overcoming
those obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength, will
power or heart.

Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of
good luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness and sheer
stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small
tests, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere.
Safe and comfortable but dull and utterly pointless.

The people you meet affect your life. The successes and downfalls that you
experience can create who you are, and the bad experiences can be learned
from. In fact, they are probably the most poignant and important ones.

If someone hurts you, betrays you or breaks your heart, forgive them because
they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious
to whom you open your heart.

If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they
love you, but because they are teaching you to love and to open your heart
and eyes to little things. Make every day count.

Appreciate every moment and take from it everything that you possibly can,
for you may never be able to experience it again. Talk to people you have never talked to before, and actually listen. Let
yourself fall in love, break free and set your sights high.

Hold your head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are a
great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don't believe in
yourself, no one else will believe in you. Create your own life and then go
out and live it.

"If you take your eyes off your goals, all you see are obstacles."

, by Joadele

In expressions, thoughts

Outside Looking In

, by Joadele

In expressions, story

Every Second That Passes Us By

Just a slight quiver of the hand. I am there by her side. I wrap the woolen blanket around her. But she continues to shiver. She isn't cold. I watch in helpless silence as she stares emptily at the wall. So obviously lost in her own thoughts. Her eyes are glazed and red from crying. She barely even registers the fact that someone had come by her side and placed a warm blanket around her shoulders. The clock continues to move its hand, announcing every second that passes us by. Every second that containes a moment of pain. Her pain.

"You see!!! I knew you could do it!" she beamed widely at me after four hours of hard practice on one of Chopin's pieces- by which the last few minutes, I managed to perfect it. Well, almost. My fingers felt like Jell-O and my brain felt like someone had stuck cotton in it but I was too happy to care how tired I felt. I did it. I turned my failure to a success. She took one of my tired hands, her smile never leaving her face. "Let's celebrate!"

Our celebration consisted of lying down on the field nearby, sipping Ribena. We were cloud watching. Like how we always do at this time of the day. I had just met her. It was just three weeks but I felt as if we knew each other for over three years. She was great. And I was way below great. I should feel inferior to her and her abilities, her charisma, her attractiveness. But she never made me feel that way. She was always pushing me to believe I could be better than what I am. That there was more than what I really am. And she proved it to me in so many different ways.

But she had a bad life. It was as if her whole smart and charming package had a price to pay. Her parents wanted to run her life like it was theirs. They expected too much from her. Get better grades, get better friends, look better, get a better job, and the list goes on and on and on. She started spending less and less time at home and more and more time trying to find a "family" that she belonged to. Her friends were no better. She had unfortunately mixed with the wrong crowd and they pushed her to do things she didn't want to or she'll be an outcast. And when one day, she couldn't meet to their "standards", they just left her. They jeered her, mocked her, threw insults at her and spreaded rumours about her. She was, in many people's eyes, an outcast. A made believed version of the rumours about her. Since then on, she always spent time at a field, just watching clouds.

That was when she met me. I was having a hard time too. Two lonely, different people at the same place and at the same time. We just seem to click. I told her about my pathetic life, but she never told me about hers. I had to peel off skin after skin, one by one to get to know how deep and hollow she really is. In the meantime, she tried to build up the broken building that I was. She cleaned my wounds and healed my pain. So here we were, under the fluffy white clouds, smiling at each other and not caring if our watches were announcing every second that passes us by.

That had been several months ago. Now, here we are. Life has gotten tougher and more complicated for both of us. I don't deny the fact that I have fallen for her and maybe she for me. Rumours had started and jeers had been made. Her parents found out and were just ashamed. They couldn't accept the fact that their daughter is with someone like me. That she accepts people like me. That she had disgraced herself and her family. They couldn't accept it until they couldn't accept her. She is not their daughter anymore.

Though I had heard her complain many times, though I had witnessed her releasing her anger, I've never seen her cave in, break down and shatter to a million pieces. Like she did just now. No matter what I did or said, she just acted as if I was invisible. Four trying hours of being with a highly emotional female who barely notices I was there. I felt that it was just hopeless being there. I was the cause of all the problems so maybe it was best I leave. But I couldn't leave her. No, not her. I put my arm around her and whisper in her ear, "I'm always there for you like you were for me. You'll get through this."

Her head turns slowly and she looks at me. Her eyes are searching mine. Then, she smiles and turned back to staring at the wall. It is small, barely noticeable. But it is a smile. And for that moment, that brief moment, I want to hold onto that second, wishing it didn't pass us by.

, by Joadele

In expressions,

Believe, Laugh and Live

, by Joadele

In expressions,

Living In My Fantasy

, by Joadele

In death, thoughts

Death

, by Joadele

In love, thoughts

Love

Love is blind. Many fell in love and got blinded in the process. Teenagers with lots of raging hormones might mistaken lust and infatuation for love. They aren't the only ones, though. Adults too would mistake other feelings of attraction for love.

Some teens would go around in their school thinking that there is only one who is better than the rest and that there's only one in this world like their person. True, he/she could be the only one in this world like him/her. Afterall, each person is unique. But when they get out of their little high school world, they'll find that there are many people way better and attractively unique compared to their supposedly 'only one'. Adults could be blinded in a sense that they fail to notice the many flaws of their partner. That is until after marriage, of course. After the 'I do's', their eyes would start to open and the first thing that comes of mind when the light hits their eyes is, "I married this person??"

Really, love IS blind. So what excactly is love? According to scientists, love is chemistry. The feeling itself involves a number of hormones such as oxytocin, vasopressin, endorphin and some others. They are called bonding chemicals, as in bonding of humans. Chemistry changes our emotions, personality or temperament. Maybe that is why many of us are blinded by love? Because of the changing hormones and chemicals that run through our veins?

However, I view love differently. I believe love has got to be more than just chemistry. It comes from the soul. The soul lives on it, feeds on it. Chemistry burns out sooner or later. Think of those successful marriages. Surely the chemistry must have burnt out after years and years of facing each other. But why a successful marriage? Love, of course! Love doesn't mean you have to feel an attraction or lust for the person of admiration. And loving someone doesn't mean that the person is P-E-R-F-E-C-T. Love, maybe is, coming to know of all the flaws of 'the one', yet still continuing to, well, love. Just like what God did and is still doing.

As a teen, you might have felt resentment against your parents for setting too many rules, right? You hate the way they scold you, limit you, and you would certaintly hate that they don't trust you at a point. But once they're in trouble or suffering from illness, you would surely feel that little pang of panic, feel that crease over your eye brows as you start to worry... You love your parents enough that you care for them, worry for them, achieve for them. Hates and dislikes certaintly don't 'bond'. No chemistry there.

So my conclusion; chemistry isn't love or vice versa. Loving even though there are many flaws and things that don't agree with you, that's love. But who am I to say, right? I'm just a kid. And this is just my theory.

, by Joadele

Why Does The Truth Hurt

, by Joadele

In articles, thoughts

God Is Everywhere

, by Joadele

In personal life, thoughts

Being The Youngest

Do you know how is it like being the youngest? You're considered the 'baby' in the family. Growing up, your brother or sister doesn't want you to immitate what they do because it irritates them whereas they can immitate their own idols. Your parents will be more careful with you because they've gone through their older children and 'learn' from their mistakes. Your older brother and sister get to enjoy stuff like hanging out, driving, getting away with most stuff but when it comes to the youngest, you're most likely restricted to do certain things until you're in a certain age. Your mother would like to spend time talking to your elder sister because she is much more matured than you and could do what girls do together. You're the one just sitting there listening or just tagging along.

Then as the youngest and being the only one who's ever home, you get to witness your parents fight. At a certain time in your life when you are still growing up waiting for your turn to get out of the house, you wouldn't have the whole family sitting down and enjoying dinner together because your brother is busy with his family and your sister is somewhere far away. You don't get to talk to your brother or sister because they are not there and the only companions you play with are your dogs and your computer.

Also, you get to witness your parents grow older and weaker. When that happens, they can't work. When they can't work, no income. No income, you would have to go for local U. So you can forget your dreams of staying out of Form 6, going to Taylors or APIT or HELP or whatever private colleges and universities that come to mind. Being the youngest, you would like to make your parents proud of you and to show them that you're not as careless as your older brother or sister.

But you see, that is what will stress you. Sure you were pampered when you were younger but then when you realise you want to do something selfless, you have this whole weight on your shoulders and you would not have much confidence if what you're doing is actually gonna help you or not. Especially when you're so darn lazy and you get bad luck almost everyday.

Well, at least this is what I go through.

, by Joadele

In personal life, pictures

Bittersweet

, by Joadele

In personal life, thoughts

My Thoughts On 2007

2007. In this year, I'll be 17. In this year, I'll be facing my SPM and a whole different thing before and after it. I feel that 2007 could be really scary. For one, lets start with SPM. My parents have hopes in me, I know, and it'll be kind of bad to disappoint them. They probably expect me to make them proud and I want to do that. I'd love to. But what's actually scary would be that I will not be able to do it. I will not be able to make them proud. What if I failed a subject? What if I don't score an A? This wouldn't make my parents proud but it would make them feel the total opposite!

After SPM, I would like to go work. Part time, of course. And then there's college to think of. It's kind of freaky to think that what you choose from here, would effect your future. I mean, what if you made the wrong choice? What if you found out that there are other stuff worth learning about and that you're in the wrong line? Furthermore, I'm still thinking on what to do. Those dreams I have, I'm afraid that it would just stay a dream. I mean, how can a cowardly, ordinary girl like me achieve such big dreams to be a concert pianist, or a singer or an actress? It's really impossible when I look at it this way. It's almost laughable. And all the friends I've come to know and love, they would be going after their dreams too and maybe we would loose contact of each other.

Also of my thoughts on this year, I would loose a friend. I would loose someone I really care about (well, I think I do care about). That would be the guy who got stuck in my head. Since we broke up, talking with each other seemed so weird. At first I cannot accept it but when I try, he doesn't seem to be normal with me. Like the fact that he only says 'Hi' to me in school when we pass by each other or just give a short smile. But when there's no one around and it's at night, smsing seem to be no problem at all. I've got advice from a couple of people to just forget it and that I'm 'Gamed Over/No Hope'. OK, so I won't be getting back with him. But what about our friendship? Is that gone too? Is his word of still being 'best friends' would just stay words? It would really suck if that happens.

I'm not saying that all that I said would happen, I'm saying that there is a big possibility it will happen. I can't predict my future. No one can predict theirs. Even if they go to some hoohaa psychic to figure out their future, I believe the result wouldn't be 100% true. Because the future is really flexible. The way you act and the choices you make, effects every bit of your future. For example, I'm sitting here. I'd probably be stuck staring at the screen through the night if I find something interesting to play. But if I get up and find something else to do, like my homework, I'd probably not touch the computer again considering how tired my head feels like. Haha.
Frankly speaking, this is just one small example. Might not be good, might give you a clear picture about what I'm talking about but for you to really understand these thoughts is to come across them yourself. So my thoughts for 2007: I fear it. But I know one thing and I should really keep this in mind; I can do anything through Him who gives me strength.

, by Joadele