Look, I don't know what is it that I'm searching for. Things that once I thought I was passionate about, felt good about, now just seem to pale in comparison. But even the things that I felt weren't good, still felt uncertain and definitely not likely to change my view point of it.

Case in point. I thought that hanging out with a certain someone (let's name this someone A) whom was so passionate and detailed about things was something good for me. I'm not like A- so thick faced, so brave and so determined to change for the better. I wanted to be more like that because I'm just too timid for my own good and I wanted to be better. Initially it felt great and what a refreshing change. Building myself as a more controlled, more disciplined, more structured person. However, when time went on I felt a little suffocated. I felt that A was always nitpicking on things, never giving it a rest, always moving and pushing. I felt a little burned out. Then there are times when the "goodness" went against my thinking and my insides start to rebel questioning, "Should it really be that way?" And then I did what I was not supposed to do; I completely turned away from this passion that I wanted and ended up just slacking.

On the other hand, I have friends from B whom are wild, free and do whatever they liked. I smile and laugh when I'm with them, but inside I felt afraid. What if we go too far? What if, what if, what if? They said things I don't agree with, they do things I'm afraid of. Yet, I still continue coming, as if they were my pack of cigarettes.

What is it that I'm searching for? Psychotherapists will say, I've reached inequilibrium- contradicting myself, confused.

Maybe I'm just looking in the wrong places.

So I'm quite interested in personalities (this is what made me go into Psychology). I came across a few famous tests and one that I mostly measure myself with is the MBTI Jungian typology. Turns out, I am an INFP. Go take the test out of fun or when you're free.

Then came the Enneagram types. I used to think that the enneagrams are just too complicated for me to understand. We're being categorized in numbers and there are wing types and everything. I couldn't understand, thus paid no attention. But lovely Hui Lin the genius managed to understand it completely and I tried taking the test. It was still confusing because out of all the many enneagram tests I've taken, I was first a type 9, then a type 4, and lastly a type 2. Which is really quite frustrating because it seems as if I have multiple personalities. However, this is simply because we are not stuck to one type, but use a combination of all these personality types and make the us we are today. We are not set into a certain type. That's why everyone's unique in a way.

So I tried to find out which type I was most dominant in and using statistics, out of four tests, I've got two results which labelled me as a type 4. Below is a brief description of the Type 4.

---

The Romantic (the Four) --> sometimes they call this the Artist.

Romantics have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive.

How to Get Along with Me

• Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.
  
• Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value myself.
  
• Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.
  
• Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy, I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.
  
• Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting!
  

What I Like About Being a Four

• my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep level
  
• my ability to establish warm connections with people
  
• admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life
  
• my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor
  
• being unique and being seen as unique by others
  
• having aesthetic sensibilities
  
• being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me
  

What's Hard About Being a Four

• experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair
  
• feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved
  
• feeling guilty when I disappoint people
  
• feeling hurt or attacked when someone misundertands me
  
• expecting too much from myself and life
  
• fearing being abandoned
  
• obsessing over resentments
  
• longing for what I don't have
  

Fours as Children Often

• have active imaginations: play creatively alone or organize playmates in original games
  
• are very sensitive
  
• feel that they don't fit in
  
• believe they are missing something that other people have
  
• attach themselves to idealized teachers, heroes, artists, etc.
  
• become antiauthoritarian or rebellious when criticized or not understood
  
• feel lonely or abandoned (perhaps as a result of a death or their parents' divorce)
  

Fours as Parents

• help their children become who they really are
  
• support their children's creativity and originality
  
• are good at helping their children get in touch with their feelings
  
• are sometimes overly critical or overly protective
  
• are usually very good with children if not too self-absorbed
  

Want to know yours? Take it here and answer questions as honest as possible.

---

Honestly, these personality typology does not represent all of me truly, but are just general aspects of me. Neither would it do you. So are all these hype about knowing your personality useless and just for fun?

There are advantages in knowing who you are. First of all, you get to understand why you act the way you do and there is nothing wrong at all with you. Second, you get to realise what your weaknesses are and work on those to make you a better person you would like to be. Third, as for partnerships, you would get to know who you would not get along well with and could use this knowledge to either avoid the person or find another alternative way to make the relationship work. However, I strongly advice readers not to use personality typologies as a dating guide. As I said, not everyone is the same or stuck in a certain way. People change, adapt and can coexist well together even though it is said certain two individuals are just not for each other. Fourth, you know which line of work you have most satisfaction with. I believe that if we enjoy what we do, we can be successful and have less stressors in our life.