Digging up old works stored in my Documents. There is no Chapter 1 with me as the story was a joined effort and it was my role to write up a Chapter 7. Can't recover the other chapters because I don't remember where this was done. Oh wells. 

“911, what’s your emergency?”

“I think- I think my mom needs help,” I said into the receiver, phone pressed hard against my ear.

“What’s wrong with your mom, honey?” she asked me.

“She’s not moving,” I replied through my sobs. My gaze flicked back to the body slumped on the floor to check again if my mother had moved, even an inch, and that I was calling the lady at the other end of the line for nothing. She did not move at all. I remembered that I had found my guinea pig, Jimmy, one day by the corner of his cage and no matter how much I prod or shoved him, he just wouldn’t budge. Mom had told me he had gone off to a place called heaven, where he had all the good things waiting for him. I was afraid that my mother had gone to the place Jimmy had gone and had left me behind.

“Is she breathing?” I heard her ask. I brought my gaze back to the telephone key pads. The white keys were smeared with red, which were slowly turning brown. I swallowed hard, my breath becoming more and more difficult as heavy tears streamed down the apples of my cheeks. I looked at my mother again to check to see, and hoping with all my heart, if she had moved at all. Nothing. Just her, lying in that big pool of red. I knew then, that all hope was lost.

“No.” I breathed and brought my other hand up to hold the receiver steady. My hands were shaking so badly and they were sticky with sweat and blood. “I think she’s dead.”

***

That was years ago, when I was nine. Two years after my father left and dump the burden of his loan shark debts on us, the year that refused to be forgotten from my memory. My hands were shaking as I dialled 911 for Ethan. I was nervous and fearful, but the concerns were not for him, it was for me.

“911, what’s your emergency?” It took a great effort not to start crying like my eight year old self when I spoke to the person at the other end of the line. I guess what helped a little was that it was a male voice this time and I had to tell myself over and over again that I wasn’t calling about my mother’s murder. I managed to give the situation and what little details Ethan had given me and ended the line, happy to be done.

When I arrived at Roxer Park, two police cruisers were already there with its blue lights flashing as well as a medical team tending to a teenaged girl who was seated in their small ambulance. Ethan was by the bench beside the ladies’ toilet giving his account to a salt-and-peppered hair policeman. The policeman’s partner, or whom I presumed was his partner, was busy keeping the ever growing curious crowd at bay, telling them to go home and that there’s nothing to see. It was him who had stopped me from reaching Ethan, so I had the luxury to pace up and down while waiting for the policeman to finish interviewing him.

I shivered. I never liked scenes like this for it reminded me of things I rather forget. I was studying the cracks on the pavement when a hand landed on my shoulder, making me jump.

There was a chuckle as I turned around to face Ethan.

“I’m sorry, didn’t mean to scare you. Also, sorry for making you wait.”

 “It’s alright,” I waved it off and scanned him for any signs of injuries. “Are you okay? What happened?”

“I’m fine. Some old pervert tried to be funny with that poor girl,” he motioned to the teenager in the ambulance, anger flashing in his eyes. “He’ll be spending his corroded mind in jail.”

“Well, it’s a lucky thing you were there or she’ll be scarred for life.”

“Yeah,” he smiled. I could tell he was happy with a job well done. I breathed a sigh of relief and said, “Well, I’m glad you’re not hurt.”

“I owe you for calling 911 and waiting almost an hour for me,” he said. Behind him a cop was guiding a man in handcuffs to the police cruiser. I scrunched my nose. He did look kind of like a pervert- a dirty pervert in combat boots. My heart stopped. Combat boots.

At that moment I was nine again, hiding behind the big potted plant my mother insisted on keeping beside the television set no matter how ugly I thought it was. She was kneeling down on the carpeted floor, pleading for help and not having the money to pay at the moment. Dark brown combat boots walked into view, there was shouting and before I knew it, I saw the glint of the knife and the gush of blood that spurted out from my mother’s throat. Too scared to scream, too frozen to move, I sat there behind that big plant watching the scene unfold until those combat boots walked out of my view and out of the house. It was the only detail that I ever got of the killer. If only I had just moved a little to get a look at the person’s face, I could have my mother’s murderer locked up. Now, he’s just walking free, probably slaughtering someone else’s-

“Lexie? Hey, you alright?” Ethan’s face came into view as he waved his palm in front of my face. I watched the police cruiser drive away. Ethan turned to look at the cruiser too and then turn back to me. “You recognise the guy or something?”

“N-no,” I stuttered and turned back to Ethan whose facial features looked like a cross between worried and puzzled. Feeling embarrassed for acting like a nut case, I pulled my full attention on Ethan and cleared my throat.  “Just that he had something that reminded me of something.”

“What is it?”

“You know what? It’s nothing,” I waved a hand nonchalantly, waving the issue away. “I guess I’m… hungry! When I’m hungry, I act really weird. Let’s get something to eat.”

“Okay…” he said slowly, still checking to see if I was alright. I smiled to reassure him and to my relief, he continued. “As I was saying earlier, there’s this great pizza place just a few blocks from here. They just opened but the food is great! My treat.”

“Fantastic,” I replied. We both walked the few blocks down to a place called Tony’s Pizzeria. Ethan dominated most of our conversations. In fact, I could not remember most of it or what I said. I tried to act as normal as possible wishing that Ethan wouldn’t start asking if I was okay again. The scene that happened years ago had been revived and now fresh in my mind. Where was the killer now? I felt a strong urge to find out, but I didn’t know where to start.

Before I knew it, it was evening and Ethan was walking me to my car. I remember mumbling something about having a fun time and then I was home. I crashed in bed, with a million questions in my mind before I drifted off to sleep and into a nightmare.

~Joanna

I may not have all the answers with me. I may not be 100% okay. In fact, who is ever 100% okay?  I do, however, have the motivation to look forward. The courage to face what comes next. The confidence that I made the right choices even if they seem wrong at some moment. I am discovering, I am taking risks, I am happy. There are no regrets here. Definitely no regrets.  I can smile and close my eyes in perfect peace.  ~Joanna

I read today what I should have read weeks ago. I didn't notice until today, that a long note was left and it was left unread. 
All is forgiven, forgotten, but cherished and appreciated. 
~Joanna

On March 31st this year, I promised myself that I would return smiles to my face. After a long, hard, struggle, the genuine smile is back. I did not do it alone, of course. There were friends and concerned acquaintances. However, at the core, real peace is found only by one- me. 
There were heartbreaks along the way, but I had gone through a period of self-discovery. I've finally found my peace. With that, no matter I am with someone or without someone, I'm happy just being.
~Joanna

23! No longer having the age with good looking even numbers. 
Compared to the previous year, I feel happier, with a striving to continue growing for the better. But there's a long, long road ahead of me... and I think I'm ready to face it. 
It has been great :)

~Joanna

When dealing with mess, I tend to look toward the person who can deal it all away. 
Now that I am trying to learn how to be independent and now that the mess that I have is fully under my responsibility, I need to learn how to deal with it. 
Take a broom, sweep it away. Take a mop, mop it clean. Man, this mess is so annoying.
But as always, we learn from our mistakes. I am appreciative of this lesson. Just hope it does not cost much. ~Joanna

Sitting at the ledge, she let her legs dangle and swing. Way below were illuminating lights from passing motorists and cars. The night brought a gentle, cooling breeze and it lightly swept her hair backwards. Her lips curved and her eyes closed, depicting the serenity she felt. This was it. This is what life have come to and she had finally reached the conclusion.

"Tara!" Shocked, surprised, or pained, she could not tell. One thing's for sure, the voice was a little too high pitched and sharp for a time like this. She allowed herself to be brought out from the calm, her eyes fluttered open and searched for the source.

As expected, his face showed a multitude of concern, surprise, worry even. His brows were pulled upward, eyes were widened and mouth was left ajar. It took a moment before it started moving again. "What do you think you're doing?"

Poor Daniel. She wanted to tell him how not to worry, that everything was okay. All confusion, worries and problems will be solved and be done with soon. Just that she could not find the energy to exercise her vocal chords. The serenity that enveloped her previously still held her body captive and her mind adrift from the world inside the apartment. The bright, colourful apartment that she and him furnished together- built a life together.

"Please," he spoke again, a tinge of desperation. "Whatever it is, we can talk about it. We'll figure it out."

"It's already been figured out, Dan," she gave a simple smile.

He shook his head, his brows pulled together. She saw him inch just a little closer toward the balcony. "No, not like this."

"My mind has already been made up."

"There's still space and time to rethink."

"It's been thought out, Dan. It's already been done." She unfolded the paper she held in her hands and set it on the small table that stood beside her.

"W-what do you mean?" This time he was frozen. Too afraid to move. The only reply he got back was her smile. She looked beautiful with that smile. He always loved her smile. Rows of perfect teeth, dimples on each side of her cheeks. Except this time, he was not graced with her beautiful green eyes that would light up whenever she smiled. It was sad, maybe a little judgemental. Then, the next thing he could recall was her hair. Those maroon strands that floated in the wind as she fell forward, out into the open, twenty feet space.

He did not know how he got the ledge. It was as if his body and his mind had separated. His hands were white with gripping the bar tight, his heart was pounding fast, he was sure he heard a really awful sound, only to realise later that it came from him. He did not know how long it was, or how it happened, but he felt a pair of hands grip his shoulders and turned him around. A pair of concerned eyes, which he thought looked oddly familiar, but he could only think of pleading with the person to save her or at least let him go so he could get to her. He managed to get out of the stranger's hold and ran towards the apartment door which coincidentally opened. Two men stepped in and headed towards him. They held him and locked his hands behind him.

"What are you doing?!" He shouted and struggled against their grip. "Let me get to her! Tara! TARA!"

"It's alright," said a voice. He felt a pinch on his arm, saw a syringe before everything went blur and then black.

~Joanna

Google translated?

Boat harbor bursts of distant flute

I have been wandering to pick up by you

Today, looking at the reflection window glass

I have a strange but familiar

I can Smile a little more

Sing a little more

Feel a little more

All because of you

Is happy to say good day to day practice

Laugh a little more practice

Love myself a little more

To learn to be more kind to myself

For you, I become a Better me

Not be separated from what is really

Miss and understanding can replace all the words

One day life will grow old with you okay thank you

In your eyes I see the better in me

Coz I can Smile a little more

Sing a little more

Feel a little more full because you

Is happy to say good day to day practice

Laugh a little more practice

Love myself a little more

To learn to be more kind to myself

For you, I become a Better me

That is so magical

Former wrong have meaning

Taught me to put aside all suspicion might

I also deserve a beautiful miracle

My tears will fall

Not because of cowardice

Instead, let me thank the day I met you

Otherwise, today will not be so courageous

Now I promise to you

And I can swear to you

For you I will cherish my own *

You can be proud of doing a Better me

One worthy of your love Better me

~Joanna

When starting to realise the fact that there is that thought every day, no matter how small.... Annoying.
Where is the delete button in real life?
~Joanna

I don't know where this came from, but I thought it was a good read. 

The phone rang. 

She was sobbing badly on the other end of the line.

“I’m going over,” I told her and hung up before she could protest.

1am. It was going to be a long night ahead..

She was still crying when she opened the door. She looked so broken, so vulnerable. I didn’t have to know what was wrong, I just held her in my arms. She cried even more.

“He broke up with me,” she finally said.

I just kept quiet as she let it all out.. questions, tears, anger, hurt.

“Why does love have to hurt so much?”

“No, love.. doesn’t hurt,” I said gently.

“So says the guy who’s been single forever? What would you know about love,” she jabbed.

“So says the guy who’s been your friend though Mr now-ex-#4,” I grinned. “Love doesn’t hurt you.. it’s the person that doesn’t know how to love or appreciate love that hurts you. But love never hurts,”.

“You won’t understand, Matt,” she sighed, “you’ve never been in love…”

“That’s not entirely true, you know..”

“Wait what- so who’s this girl I’ve never heard abou-“

“What did you love about #4 anyway?” I interjected.

“I don’t know… he is just perfect. And I love him so much,”

“But you don’t know what it is that you love about him?”

“It’s just.. the feeling when I’m with him. It always felt right with him. He made me feel loved and I loved him too,”

“That’s it? Just a feeling?”

“Well.. yea. What were you expecting me to say?”

“.. something more specific, maybe? I mean, if you thought he’s so ‘perfect’, why’d he still chea- erm, why’d he leave you?”

“Because I’m just not good enough for him? I don’t know..” she paused. “What is love to you then…”

“Hmm.. to me, being together or in love with someone should be more that just a feeling.. it should also be about mutual understanding, acceptance, respect, commitment and trust.”

“That’s what all couples would hope and want their relationship to be like, Matt. But expectations and reality don’t always go together..”

“Or maybe.. someone’s just not trying?”

“Well if you think love is so simple.. why haven’t you been with anyone all these years?”

“I never said love was simple.. but I guess the reason why I’ve never been with anyone yet is because.. I already know exactly what I want,”

“You have.. a checklist?”

“Sorta. It’s not the typical kinda ‘I’d like a girl with long hair, nice smile, etc’ superficial checklist though,”

“Oh. What kind of list is it then?”

“It’s like.. a concept of love. Of what it is about a girl that will make me fall completely in love with her. A concept that has more than three specific reasons that would answer any question as to why I love her.”

“You have a concept of love?” she laughed. “Love isn’t a theory, Matt.. you can’t just classify love by a concept or definition, you simply feel it with your heart..”

“But you see.. the reason why I think there are so many broken hearts, is because people merely jump into a relationship when their heart feels a certain something towards someone. But I don’t think that’s love, that’s merely an infatuation. Personally, I believe there are more than three reasons and aspects that actually determines whether we really are truly in love beyond the superficial ‘I don’t know why I love him/her.. I just do’ reason,”

“That makes sense. So what exactly is this.. ‘concept’ of yours about?” she asked, genuine curiosity replacing her initial skepticism.

“I call it the 4+1 theory. The aspects that will determine if it’s true love or just a fickle infatuation. It’s based on this idea that whenever we like someone, if we really go deeper into what is it that draws us to him or her, we’d be able to find that one specific reason. That’s not love though. That’s merely an attraction or infatuation. But when more than three of the aspects from this theory are present, you’ll be pretty sure that it’s more than just a feeling. For me personally, this determines if I’ll ever fall in love with a girl…”

Mind. Heart. Body. Soul.

The mind aspect, to put it simply, is her intellect. But I don’t mean the academic smarts.. it’s the way she thinks, processes and analyzes things way beyond a shallow self centeredness. It’s the way she puts across her thoughts, not for winning an argument’s sake, but to really try to understand or even sensibly debate opposing views that might leave anyone reflecting on her words or challenge me to think differently. It’s the way she carries herself off with an aura of sophistication and enigmatic charm and no matter how much I might think I already know her or have her figured out, she’ll still surprise me with something unexpected. Good surprise. I like intellect. Personally, it takes a little more to intrigue me and stimulate my senses. If I can connect with someone and talk endlessly about the concept of nothing, then, only then, will we be able to talk about everything else.. and I think that’s incredibly alluring,”

“Ooh.. so my best friend’s sapiosexual too,” she teased. “But what about her likes and dislikes or like her personality.. does that go under the mind aspect too?”

“Well, that’s where the heart aspect comes in. The heart represents who she is by what she values or cares about. The things she likes, the things she dislikes. What really matters to her, as well as her insecurities and fears..”

She bit her lower lip - thinking. “But what if him knowing about my past and all my insecurities scares him or drives him away? Or what if he ever uses all of these against me if someday things go bad between us?”

“Erm.. you do realize that it doesn’t really matter now because whether or not he ever knew, he already chose to leave you right? But.. if he still or ever tries to hurt you in any way, then he is a fucking bastard and I will punch his face,”. I really meant it.

“I don’t think he even cares about me anymore,” she sighed, “maybe he never really did.. we were so.. different. I don’t know why I never actually realize it before,”

“Maybe because then, you were too ‘blinded by love’ to see, or you chose to conveniently ignore the differences. Honestly though, I think it’s critical for two people to understand each other’s heart and learn to accommodate each other’s differences rather than simply turning a blind eye or deaf ear ‘because I love him and that’s all that matters’. Because if two people are too different in the way they think, behave or live.. I reckon it will become a huge problem when the infatuation bubble bursts.”

“I don’t really understand..” she said.

“Let me just ask you this.. does he know how passionate you are towards the arts and music?"

“Well, no.. not really. He’s more the sports kind of guy and doesn’t like theatre and stuff so I didn’t want him to get bored if I talked to him about things he isn’t interested in..”

“Then i’m guessing he probably also doesn’t care or know the little things about you. Like how you’re afraid of the dark and why you’re actually scared of darkness.. how family and relationships are really important to you.. that ice cream is your happy pill. You know, I’m even going to bet that he doesn’t know you go to bed every night, clutching your phone just hoping and waiting for him to text you goodnight..”

She started to tear again, but I continued..

“You see, it’s not a matter of whether it bores him or not.. it’s a matter of whether he bothers or not. I mean, if he doesn’t even know these things about you, then he really doesn’t know you at all. How then can he say he loves you?”

“But I really loved him,” she murmured softly to herself .

“I know you did. I know you still do and it’s hurting you like shit. But you need to know that for any kind of relationship to work.. two people need to give and take. Sadly, with him, it seems like you’re the one who was always giving. If he actually really loved you back as much, he’d make a greater effort to close the gap and bridge the differences between you two. He’d want to hear what you have to say, he would actually consider your opinions, your needs and your feelings. He’ll not just tell you or text you that he loves you.. he’ll show it by the things he will do or be willing to do no matter how inconvenient or silly it might be, just because.. he knows it’ll make you happier or better. To me, when it comes to a relationship, the heart aspect isn’t just a feeling or who you/he or she is anymore. It becomes two hearts beating as one. Two people wanting to understand each other.. sharing the good, the bad and possibly a future together; actually bothering and supporting each other’s feelings, values, dreams, thoughts, emotions,”

She stayed silent for a long while before she looked up, holding my gaze.. there was this unspoken tension building before she finally spoke again.

“But.. what if something that’s important to me, is not something the guy might feel same way about?"

“Then I’ll try-” I caught myself. “I mean, if I were him. I’d try. I’d make the effort.. because it’s important to you and you’re important to me,”

She remained silent again. She wasn’t crying anymore but this time, the prolonged silence was starting to grow even more deafening.

“Matt,” she finally spoke - softly, “do you believe in love at first sight?”

“No.” I said flatly.

“Oh..” she sighed. “You know what you said about mind and heart.. it’s actually starting to sink in and I’m beginning to realize that maybe these two aspects weren’t exactly a big part of my relationship with him,”

“So what made you fall in love with him then?”

“Well.. don’t laugh, but I’ve always thought that with him, it was love at first sight. I mean, there was just this spark between us from the very first time we met,”

“Cause he was hot?” I scoffed.

“No.. don’t be an idiot,” she tried to hide her smile but failed. I rolled my eyes. “Okay fine, yea maybe that. But it wasn’t the only reason!”

I raised an eyebrow.

“He was really nice too! And he was always sweet to me,“ she began her defense case. “He always made me feel happy, secure and loved without even having to try, you know?” I just continued staring at her waiting for her to go on. “Oh never mind, you’d never understand..”

“Actually.. I do. And I think I now understand what it was that made you fall in love with him.

The body aspect.

The body aspect is about physical attraction, intimacy and presence.

I don’t believe in love at first sight. I don’t believe you can just “instantly know” you’re in love or that someone’s THE one just by “first sight”. No offense, but I think the whole love at first sight concept is bullshit that only exists in movies and fairy tales. In reality, it isn’t love. That very first attraction.. is probably lust. Lust at first sight”.

“What nonsense! It’s not like I was lusting over him from the very first time I laid eyes on him! Maybe it’s the case for guys.. I mean, sex is always on a guy’s mind whenever he meets a girl right? But it’s different for girls, Matt..” she protested.

“Okay. You know what.. since you brought up the age-old guys and sex debate, I’ll tell you this secret to clarify something about guys for the first and last time.. probably 99% of guys are naturally sexual. If you ever meet any guy who tells you he isn’t sexual at all, it’s not that he’s gay – no, gays are even more horny .. he’s likely to be a liar and you should be more wary of him. BUT! Here’s the thing.. even though guys are sexual by nature, it isn’t always the only or most important thing to a guy,”

“Really?” now she raised her eyebrow with that annoying smirk on her face.

“Oh come on, you girls know how it is, plus you aren’t exactly saint-like innocent either.. sometimes you see a hot guy and you start fantasizing or making statements like ‘omg have my babies’..”

“That…” she started blushing.

“That.. is exactly my point. It’s the same with guys. We might talk and think about sex a lot more openly than girls but it isn’t always the only thing on our mind. When I said it’s lust at first sight.. I didn’t literally mean you want the guy naked and in bed. What I meant is the momentary attraction or desire– he might be hot, he might be charming, he might have smiled at you that made you feel a certain way.. but that’s not love. That’s really just a superficial physical attraction. Saying “I’m in love” right there and then just completely takes the special meaning out of the word ‘love’. If you ask me, I personally think the process of loving or falling in love with someone involves discovering the person and then perhaps developing feelings. It could happen quickly or over a longer period of time, but not at first sight,”

“Hmm.. that does make sense,” she paused and then her lips curled up forming that annoying smirk again. “Oh wow, this is the first time you and I are talking about sex huh..”.

“You never asked..”

“Tell me then.. what is sex to you?”

“Sex.. to me, is merely a physical act. I am not part of the whole “sex is sacred/taboo” camp but then, I don’t take sides with the whole bed hopping culture either,”

“I can’t believe you just said that sex is merely a physical act..” she began in a disappointed tone.

“But sex really is just a physical act if it’s without emotions or feelings. And that is why I distinguish between sex and making love, the same way I clearly differentiate ‘loving’ and ‘being in love’ with someone,”

“Oh.” this time, she smiled. She understood.

“Don’t get me wrong.. I think physical intimacy is very important in a relationship but for me, the one physical aspect that matters the most.. is the physical presence. That, is also what I reckon made you fall in love with him.

“Okay this, I really want to know…” she said.

“The physical presence is simply being there. You want him to be with you. You want to be there for him. Because just being there with or for each other makes your day, or you as a person, a little better. You may act or behave a little different when you’re with him, but in a good way – in a way that you actually feel completely comfortable, safe and you. Perhaps even without you knowing, you smile more and laugh harder. You feel real, genuine joy. And even on days when the smile can’t happen, you know you don’t have to pretend to be okay or be self conscious in front of him; because its perfectly okay to be the way you are and feel when you’re with him. He cares about you and you feel loved when you’re with him. Sometimes, there are no need for words or explanations.. just his presence, him being there for you, holding you.. makes you feel better or believe that it’s going to be okay again. Because you’re not just holding on to someone for attention or sympathy.. you actually feel and believe that you’re holding on to a part of or the rest of your life..”

Which leads to the fourth aspect – soul.

The soul aspect to me, is the deepest form and the final affirmation that should answer any remaining doubt or questions as to whether we’ve truly fallen in love with a person.

It’s when you start noticing but still appreciate all the other little things, even the flaws - especially the flaws. It’s when you truly know a person stripped down of all their walls, exposed to their soul and yet still accept and love him or her. It’s a level of understanding and acceptance that goes beyond the “honeymoon everything is perfect” period.

It’s when you finally realize this one person is someone you can always and want to tell everything to, and you want to ask and know everything of him or her as well. It’s when you actually want to share your life and trust your secrets with this person; and you can. This someone is the first person you think of when you’re happy, sad or when something significant happens. This same person is someone you can call at 1am in the morning and they’d drop everything to make time for you, staying by you till the sun rises or you’re better again - as you would for him or her as well. This person cares and will listen. Will really listen, giving you their undivided attention and genuine love; not necessarily every time but any time you need him or her. This one person makes your problem their problem and they go through it together with you just so you don’t have to go through the pain and tears alone,”

It was at this moment, for the very first time, she looked at me in a different way but said nothing.

“You see, the soul aspect..” I continued, “is when you start to see and want to share the rest of your life with this one other. And not in a clingy “I can’t live without you” way, but in a way that I can still live my life without you as I have before I met you, but now that you’ve come to exist in my life, I see the possibility of a life with you and now I actually want to make decisions and live a life, continuing to create more moments and memories together with you”.

“Well.. so.. have you met this one person yet? I mean, I’m sure it’s almost impossible to find that ‘perfect’ girl who fulfills all of your four aspects of love right?” she mumbled. I could barely hear her. She wasn’t even looking at me anymore.

“No, it is not impossible and I don’t think its asking for too much. You see the thing about these four aspects is, we often and will find one or two aspects in many different people. And that alone may be enough to make us attracted to them or develop a crush on them. But really, that is not love at all. If we like a person because “he’s cute” or “the way she thinks”, that’s just us liking the body and/or mind aspect of a person. The reality is, we are always going to meet many people who possess these different aspects of mind, heart, body or soul. But on a rare occasion when you do meet someone who possess all these four aspects.. you’ll almost definitely know that he or she is not one of many but may just be the one. So personally, I won’t settle for anything less unless she possess more than three qualities. You know people write the symbol of love as < 3 (less than three), I actually think love should be more than three.. I define it as 4+1. “

“So what’s plus one?” she asked, still not looking at me.

“Plus one…” I trailed off – unconsciously.

“Matt?” she placed her hand on top of mine, finally looking me in eye again.

“Plus one.. is something only the one who's meant to be will ever know and hold the answer to”.



end.

~Joanna

This awesome YouTuber made a modern adaptation of Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice in video logs. Pride and Prejudice is one of my favourite books to read. I find the storytelling really interesting and well made- with enough humour and background story. The first episode is below: 

For more episodes, find them here. ~Joanna

Sometimes, there are no words to what I want to say. There are just feelings; one big lump sum of feelings that are interwoven with millions, perhaps zillions of words. Still, with all the words, nothing can describe what goes on in those feelings in a split second.
In one second, there are an equivalent of a bucket of words, overflowing, to be able to truly communicate what I think and feel. But there's a core. The core is that I wish be able to tell or say... all those things to you. People always wonder why don't the situation change for the better. Why am I like this... then they say they understand. What do they understand?
What I have, it is infinite. Bottomless. However, I hide it just like hiding a trap on the ground. On the surface it looks fine, but uncover it and you will know the depth. That bottomless, infinite thing- I left it there. I walked away. Sometimes, I walked back to it to check if the surface has been disturbed. Sometimes I uncover it and peek into it. 
But it is still there. Just that you won't be able to find it.
~Joanna

Another song stuck in my head.

---

如果說了太多 請你別再閃躲
那尷尬的笑容 會讓我更難過
就算只是朋友 你能不能夠直話直說 讓我懂

都怪你的灑脫 溫暖了我胸口
但曖昧很沈重 讓親暱成了折磨

不要看著我 天真的說
現在的你是多麼脆弱
這樣諷刺 求救 原來最痛

我不敢哭 因為我不想認輸
你的心為她守護 我比誰都清楚
我不敢哭 或許也是種認輸
愛你卻說不出 就當作祝福

如果愛是自由 為何無法回收
我在你的左右 也不過是個棘手

不要看著我 天真的說
現在的你是多麼脆弱
這樣諷刺 求救 原來最痛

我不敢哭 因為我不想認輸
你的心為她守護 我比誰都清楚
我不敢哭 或許也是種認輸
愛你卻說不出 就當作祝福 oh oh~

我不敢哭 因為我不想認輸
你的心為她守護 我比誰都清楚
我不敢哭 或許也是種認輸
愛你卻說不出 就當作祝福

~Joanna

Just for fun, I ran through Ji Mo Ji Mo Jiu Hao lyrics into Google translate and...
I can't understand anything. It's so far from what the lyrics are trying to say. 
Pretty amusing.
~Joanna

I promise that someday I’ll return this face a bunch of smiles...

---

還是原來那個我 不過流掉幾公升淚所以變瘦

對著鏡子我承諾 遲早我會還這張臉一堆笑容

不算什麼 愛錯就愛錯

早點認錯 早一點解脫

我寂寞寂寞就好 這時候誰都別來安慰擁抱

就讓我一個人去痛到受不了 想到快瘋掉

死不了就還好

我寂寞寂寞就好 你真的不用來我回憶裡微笑

我就不相信我會笨到忘不了 賴著不放掉

人本來就寂寞的 借來的都該還掉

我總會把你戒掉

還是原來那個你 是我自己做夢你有改變什麼

再多的愛也沒用 每個人有每個人的業障因果

會有什麼 什麼都沒有

早點看破 才看得見以後

我寂寞寂寞就好 這時候誰都別來安慰擁抱

就讓我一個人去痛到受不了 想到快瘋掉

死不了就還好

我寂寞寂寞就好 你真的不用來我回憶裡微笑

我就不相信我會笨到忘不了 賴著不放掉

人本來就寂寞的 我總會把你戒掉

~Joanna

It has been a filled up weekend, which I have never really expected. It was good.
I should list down the things that I have learned in these two days. Make sure to never forget it for a little bit of wisdom and knowledge will not hurt.
Saturday

1. Going out a lot and having tons of activities throughout the week... will take a toll on me. By the end of the week, I ended up to be the best zombie ever and perhaps even a little autistic. I did not want to do anything, talk to anyone, and going out makes me impatient. Listening to people's stories makes me impatient and want to go off soon. Next time, a good sleep, good rest, and some time alone is what I need to have after a long, crazy week. 
2. I can drive around and find a place without relying on GPS. Hopefully, this will encourage development of my spatial skills and my sense of direction.
3. Never, ever sleep with a full stomach. When I woke, I looked like 5 months pregnant.
4. Doesn't hurt to learn a little bit of femininity and hairstyles does make quite a bit of difference. Self-esteem is boosted, which leads to boosted moods, which leads to a smiling face.
5. To understand that sometimes, another person's extreme behaviours, may be cause of stress. Yeah, it could be wrong, disgusting, out of the ordinary, but in the end the environment and crowd is the only thing the person could turn to when he or she has nothing or no one else. If only I can help take it away...
6. Enjoying simple things like window shopping and experimenting with sights, sounds and smell is a really nice mood booster too. It's a plus when someone else is there to enjoy it with you.
7. When you really feel too tired to socialize, it's just time to go. Make the initiative to say, "Guys, I gotta go. Sorry." Who cares about their long faces? Your health is more important.

Sunday

1. You cannot let other (rude) people spoil your morning, especially when you are in church. I did feel a little pissed off, but the good thing was to walk away instead of fighting.
2. With certain people, the larger the crowd, the better the outing experience. Accepting other people to just slip into your plans is sometimes a blessing and an added fun. 
3. Good breakfast is a good mood booster. 
4. Laughter still remains the best medicine.
5. When you're upset, do not show it. Pretend to be happy. Eventually, you will be happy. It's no use bringing other people's moods down, especially with large crowd (But allow certain very, very tiny outlets for satisfaction).
6. You have no control over another person's life no matter how much you do not want it to deteriorate or spoil. Best you can do is just to be there when they need it. Offer a calm, quiet support. Sometimes in these situations, it's all you can afford to give.
7. The potential to do a last minute good looking hairstyle is awesome. Creativity is the asset.
8. The importance of taking loan and avoiding high taxes.
9. The benefits of taking risks, but with logical thinking (for me, this part may need some work)
10. Gambling is for entertainment purposes. Mindset needs to be set to- there's a budget, and do not expect returns. Be prepared to lose all. It's mainly about luck and not being stupid. 
11. Money is purely a tool. You gain it, you lose it and you gain it back. It is so much easier to control it when it's viewed as a game. Also, being generous with it makes this view even more possible. Never be afraid of having no money. There will always be a way.
12. Benefits of buying things (e.g. cars) under company name.
13. Being rich means inviting other parties to watch you. If you want a luxurious life (e.g expensive property, awesome cars), be prepared to be targeted by the government, the bank, the thieves. Or, be rich, live life as a normal, middle classed citizen and spend money elsewhere (e.g. travelling, education, food). Mmm... the latter sounds good. 
14. Learning Cantonese: just continue asking, "What does _________ mean?". Doesn't matter if you eventually annoy the heck out of people.

~Joanna

What if I've never did that, say that or think that? What if you never do this, say this, or think this way?
So many what if's in my head. 
What if, what if, what if!
Driving me nuts. Sometimes I wish I could just say out all that's going on in my mind. The truth is you wouldn't want to hear it anyway.
So many turns and u-turns and corners that "could have happened", but things we didn't wish happened instead. Are there second chances? Is there a point where things will return to normal? Can this nonsense ever be resolved and over?
I'm disappointed, I'm sad, I'm hopeful. Sometimes I think it's okay, it's just a phase. Other days I think all hope is lost. It's like riding the waves, up down, up down. It never stops. Once a while you find the beauty in it, other times you're scared shitless about the consequences.
Stuck, held captive in a spot. Then somehow in some ways, able to move an inch away. Sometimes pulled back, sometimes managing to move further. The journey is the struggle. Would we fail or would we be successful in reaching total and complete healing?
Like predicting if weather at the end of the destination would be a nice one or a horrid one, the answer would only come when you arrive at the destination. When I arrive there, would I only know.  
~Joanna

It has been a tiring week. Saturday to Monday, Penang. 
At first I was so hesitant to go. I thought I wouldn't enjoy it due to some reasons. But it turns out better than expected. I'm really thankful to have met this friend. 
At the end of the trip, I've found my answers to a few of my questions that were swimming around in my head. This time, I'm gonna push with more motivation and purpose. Optimistic view of life has to be there to survive. I've learnt and gained from this trip.
Would like it to stay in my memories and keep it in safe space in the heart.
~Joanna

Sometimes I feel like I'm pushing myself lately. 
I pushed some thoughts out of my head. I pushed my feelings aside. I went for an "interview" I didn't really want to go to today and I pushed the uneasiness away.
The "interview" felt so weird. The moment it started, a camera pointed at me and I could only give an awkward smile. If I get this, I'd be advocating something I so hate. Why do it? "Think about the money...". I guess the one main thing that kept me hanging on to this side job. Seems as if nowadays I'm doing things that are opposite of what I really want inside. I dreamt a big dream and I have to push myself toward completing it. It's hard. It really is when one by one, the people close to you, being companions in this race, leaves your side and pursue their own happiness. 
Am I pursuing my own happiness? I don't really know. I know I'm arranging and controlling whatever happens now for my imagined future happiness, but will I really be happy about what I did or do... that's another question. 
All I know for now is, to survive, all I got to do is just push. ~Joanna

I feel like I'm setting myself up for trouble. 
At first it felt like a normal thing to do, diving into my easily built idealism. But when I'm back on the ground, I remember that there are other factors I've pushed to the back of my mind. 
Panicking softly in my mental state. As said, I acted without thinking. 
What am I doing?
~Joanna

~Joanna

Lesson learnt very early on before this conclusion is even written down. When you think you are helping someone, someone would not appreciate it because of the way you do things. When you think honesty is the best policy, even to someone close, they'd think you're just being mean and not understanding. No matter how hard you try to be not only a shoulder to cry on, but also someone to help nudge them in the right direction, even the closest, would not appreciate it.

People cannot predict you or your intentions. People are driven by their own logics and their own emotions. People are still human, even the closest ones. However, in my own mind and my own way, relationships are the most important bonds that would help overcome most conflicts. They would stop, think and consider that maybe some good intentions are there, or the acceptance that not everyone's mind is the same. Perhaps it's naivety, stupidity or perhaps just rarity of a thought like this. Therefore, I learnt very early on, that to some, relationships may not matter as much as their ambition, love or pride. 
And therefore, I am alone. When thought clearly about it, I have been mostly alone all along. Just fooled by the hope of a pure, naive thought.
There was a time when the heart had almost shut completely to this experience, knowing the truth. But as always, it would open up again, just like allowing blood to flow in and out. It is just that it did not open up completely. Skeptical and always aware, traits that refrain it from doing what it thinks is right. 
With some soul searching, it could be that there were certain things that I could have done better. I could have been wrong. Another lesson also learnt. Sometimes to the closest, support is all that is needed. Silence could be the most useful tool. Maybe the one that is blind is you, and you just need to stand by appreciating the person with sight. Who knows if good success could be attributed to your given support? Or perhaps, the other would need to go through an experience to understand what would your opinions be about.
Whatever it is, a pure, trusting relationship had been tainted long ago along this travelling road. After that, only comes a wind that sweeps away the faint debris of a companion. Then you are left walking through the woods (to be taken as something interesting and adventurous) , wondering if any other wind would come to sweep you away too. 
~Joanna

In this silence I sit.
In this silence I wonder.
In this silence I grasp at the thing called Peace.

It's quite hard to find peace nowadays, especially when thr Brain and the Heart won't stop screaming at each other.
But here, under this tree, in the most unexpected places, there is peace.

And I sit in the silence, inwardly smiling to myself. For the moment, there is peace.

"Yes I know, I can be wrong
Maybe you're too headstrong"


"I need to love..." ~Joanna

Life. No matter how much we try to control it, steer it and veer it, you just cannot. 
Ideally, we would want life to be in a linear fashion. This should happen, and next this one, and the next that one... But sometimes life just goes round in circles. And the moment you thought you are getting somewhere, you find out you are back at square one. 
Build it, nurture it, tame it, Life is the Richard Parker of Life of Pi. Bearable, able to exist with, but unpredictable, untamed. You can never fully control it, bend it to your will. Not 100%. 
~Joanna

When I set my pen on paper, or my fingers to the computer keyboard, I feel free. Free to express, free to create. It is my world, a world where I can control as much as I like, run free as much as I like.
But I'm not like that in real life. My courage, my thousand and one words comes only when I have a medium, and that medium is writing. Then again, what happens when there's a limit to how much you can express? When you know that you cannot reveal everything, yet wanting the reader to know something. When feelings  and ideas run too complicated and deep that you can barely grasp at the words that come by.
Writing is limited, but the Mind, limitless. So many things in just 5 seconds can happen in the mind, but with 5 seconds, I can only manage to type one sentence. I love writing, but I wish, there was something that can bring out a thought in an instant. 
Telepathy? Hmm....
~Joanna

Constrained, the Self pulls itself back from where the Heart wants to be. Information from the Brain has told the Mind to lock up the Heart before damage could be done. It was locked, pacing and anticipating its release. 
Day by day, its hope slowly diminish and its gait becomes of a low pace. Soon, out of luck, an urgent matter. Either it was a real necessity or the Heart had managed to manipulate its way out, the place the Heart wants to be soon became tangible. And how perfectly tangible it was.
It felt as if, after a long, long while, thirst was quenched by the refreshing waters from the mountains. The Heart had been released and away, away, with great speed, it goes to where it wants to be. How warm, how contented it was. A moment of bliss, of joy- a rarity to gain, the hardest to maintain. How it loves the place that it wants to be. A simple joy turned great.
If only, if only... the Heart could stay where it wanted to be. But the visit was short, the joy, brief. Soon, the Heart was pulled back again, to be put in the cells that once again, hold it captive.  ~Joanna

I should have already known it.

It's just trouble waiting to happen. How could I just have let it happen? Not like you would look at it again.

Inside a person there is a Mind to help the body move and make decisions. The Mind has two assistants reporting to it. First, there is the Brain; to rationalize and make sure that the decisions are the right, logical ones. Second, there is the Heart so that whatever hard, logical thinking and conclusion the brain makes, it is balanced out with the factor that some decisions just need moral grounds, a little compassion and empathy. 
A battlefield exists when the Mind's assistants clash against one another. The Brain holds one stance, and the Heart holds another. Sometimes the Mind knows which side is better. Based on the situation, the Mind will favour either the Heart over the Brain, or the Brain over the Heart. It is a simple conclusion. 
However, when both the Brain and the Heart fight to have their opinions accepted by the Mind, the Mind gets confused. On one hand, Brain has been logical and has listed down the pros in listening to it. On the other hand, the Heart screams that the logics does not matter than there are other things more important than just tangible pros and cons from the Brain. 
When the Mind chooses the Heart, the Brain very quickly points out several destructive flaws. When the Mind switches to support the Brain, the Heart very aggressively fights back and prove, with bravery and persistence, the Mind is not ready to handle what the Brain has to offer. And so the battle continues with the Brain and the Heart.
In this battlefield, it seems to me, the Heart may win. 
~Joanna

Things I should do more in the coming new year:

1. Be not afraid of wearing more bright coloured clothings. Polka dots, sequins and colours that are almost neon are a must!
2. Knowledge, knowledge, knowledge in both spiritual and the world. I shall not have a stunted mental growth.
3. Action, action, action. Knowledge is useless if it lies there in the brain without anything done with it.
4. Aim for a money worthy car. Remind self that owning a high end car is not really the priority right now. There are other things to do with that extra cash.
5. Organizing and planning skills. Being less indecisive and careless would help save a lot of time.
6. Save the heart for someone who really matter, but it doesn't mean pushing people away. 
7. Trusting my intuition on people instead of other people's perspective. Most of the time people tell me this and that about the other person when my intuition tells me otherwise. In most cases, my intuition turns out right. Learning to trust my own judgement is definitely something that needs work. 
8. Health and Sleep. I have neglected you in 2012, I will try my best to treat you better in 2013. 
9. Do something about my boring hair.
10. Finish what I started years ago. Ideas and writing shall not go to waste.

~Joanna