I've had my fun in CIMP. I'm surely going to miss all of the people I've met, the crazy stuff that they do, their creativity, their enthusiasm, activities we do, theme days and lots more. What I won't miss is the hectic datelines and the load of assignments the lecturers bombarded us poor students with.

So I know this is a little late, but here's a few pictures from CIMP Prom Night 2008!
Note: Please click on the photos for a much better quality. Blogger screwed up the dimensions :(

First up....


This is me


This is me with my date... who's sleeping. On Prom Night.


Here's the awake version of him!


These are the dancers on the tiny little dance floor.


These are the ladies. More ladies are busy chatting at their tables.


These are the gentlemen (for only that night). More gentlemen are busy chatting at their tables.


And this is a very cool picture, don't you think? I like Aliza's (the girl in white with her mouth hanging open) expression.


This is Mr. and Mrs. Smith... Malaysian version.


This is 3 gorgeous girls promoting Adeline's display bag which is seriously non-functional. You can't even fit a wallet in it!


And this is us with our CIMP director and his wife... whom is almost covered by us tall people.


Last but not least, here's a video of us dancers in Tango action!

A stretch of disappointments... that lasts a few days. I know it'll all soon fade away. Maybe, one day. But is this normal? There's so many things that we don't see eye to eye. We have needs... but I'm not sure if you understand my needs? I'm not even sure if I understand your needs?

I'm not a person of complete logic. I don't go by the book and stay on the straight path the whole way. I believe in branching out and experiencing things or thinking thoughts never experienced or thought before. We make a complimenting couple... but somehow I feel that I can't fully connect emotionally with you? It could be such a long way more before I truly can.



I'm not a person who would be able to support you financially. Take me as a child in the form of a young adult, it doesn't matter. Because at the back of my head, I know I am. Yes, in some ways I am naive. I'm a complete ignorant on the wicked ways of life. But I believe in holding unto moral values. Values that I hold so dear to my heart. I believe in the term called, "Hope". Hope for me should be high... or I wouldn't even be surviving right now. Because I'm a naturally weak person. I think. With those values and hope I try to help you with, whether you actually wanted it or not.

Because I care.

But I don't know if you see it. I don't know if you realise it. I'm a person who can't do much for the physical world. I can, however, help with the psychological one. If you need a source for comfort, a source of comfortable advices, I am always here. I'm a person who'd go through great lengths, albeit stupid, to get everything to fall into place again. Because I care. I don't mind helping with your self-esteem or your current troubles. I care for your future mental health, emotional wise. But I can't do much for your pride. A pride that will grow big one day and in danger of being destroyed. If I've helped in anyway on your emotional side, I feel accomplished. I feel like I've actually been of use. Other than that, I'm utterly useless... so how do I show my love to you in a way that you understand?

I actually logged on to talk about something deeper and clearer for you to understand. But it turns out my brain is whacked. I can't form the correct sentence. I'm repeating myself. Words are lost.

My words are always lost.

I'm sorry for that. For not making you understand.

And why is it that we sometimes make decisions that we said we wouldn't make? I used to dislike people like that. They who say one thing but do the other. I called them hypocrites. However, for now I find myself being just like the people I dislike. I guess now I understand how is it like when you're faced with a dilemma. I'm sure everyone reading this has, at certain time, been an "I won't do that" person to someone who did it later on. What is the main reason that we do these things anyway? Did we just end up making the wrong choice? Or are we now finally understanding how it is to be in a certain situation?

Were we thinking straight? For example, I had a friend who said that she wouldn't give out her virginity easily. But somehow, along the way in a short term relationship with a boy, there goes it. Makes me wonder about the people who were/are like my friend (The focus here isn't my friend, but the decision she made. Remember, DECISION!). What were they thinking? Did the guy give pressure? Was it something done semi-consciously? Or did something happen and things just got desperate?



I wonder what drives us to make a decision we say we wouldn't. Desperation? Thought was the right thing? A sudden lost of rationality? The Devil attacked? I wonder how many times we regret making those decisions. I know I've done a load of things that I say I wouldn't. Sometimes I regret them, sometimes I feel scared and sometimes I question myself, "Did I just do that? Was it the right thing? Was it worth?". But the main fact is, I've become a hypocrite.

Who isn't anyway?

Sometimes a heartbreak is just a heartbreak. You can piece it back together or you could let the pieces fly loose. Different people can break your heart for many different reasons. The people who are close to you, the person you thought you knew well ends up like the person you just met on the street. A complete stranger in that momentary time of hurt and anger.



Sometimes you take a heartbreak, other times you give them. Sometimes you wouldn't even realise how big of a crack you've done on one person's heart until that heart is broken into tiny little pieces. It's really hard when you want to glue them back together. Be it yours or someone else's.

Sometimes, when you've got your heart broken, glue it back together, get it broken again, glue it back together again and broken time and time again, you just learn how to live with it. Slowly, that heart break just become a normal, everyday occurance that becomes part of who you are, your invisible friend and very much an invisible foe that you try to fight. And because it is invisible, you tend to even forget it's there. Until when the time it decides to just remind you that it is right beside you, it pokes right through your nerves and that empty, hollow space you felt just fills up with sorrow. A push from that person you thought you knew well.

But sometimes, you're the one pushing. You're no longer the victim but the predator. And then your heart breaks just as the other person's heart does, because it's the person close to you. Because you never knew you had so much strength on someone's soul. Because you realise that it isn't the other that is the monster, but you.

A relationship is like a cycle. There are times when the other hurts you, and then there are times when you hurt the other right back. Is it endless? Is it just a phase? How much of a heart break can a soul stand? How much strength does one use? And would we get so used to it until we no longer notice it's even there?


But then, sometimes a heart break goes away because you realise just how much you love that person and just how much he means to you. Maybe, you're right. Or maybe, you're just being naive. Lost in your little world that no one, not even the person closest, would understand and appreciate.

I kinda like Incubus. Particularly this song. =) Love hurts, sometimes it's a good hurt~

Love Hurts

Tonight we drink to youth
And holding fast to truth
(I don't want to lose what I had as a boy.)
My heart still has a beat
But love is now a feat.
(As common as a cold day in LA.)
Sometimes when I'm alone, I wonder
Is there a spell that I am under
Keeping me from seeing the real thing?

Love hurts...
But sometimes it's a good hurt
And it feels like I'm alive.
Love sings,
When it transcends the bad things.
Have a heart and try me,
'cause without love I won't survive.

I'm fettered and abused,
I stand naked and accused
(Should I surface this one man submarine?)
I only want the truth
So tonight we drink to youth!
(I'll never lose what I had as a boy.)
Sometimes when I'm alone I wonder
Is there a spell that I am under
Keeping me from seeing the real thing?

Love hurts...
But sometimes it's a good hurt
And it feels like I'm alive.
Love sings,
When it transcends the bad things.
Have a heart and try me,
'cause without love I won't survive.

Hey, you. Yeah, you. What is a friend to you? Why do you say one thing but do the next thing so differently? Are those just sweet talks you send to me? Maybe we had friction from the start. Maybe. Or maybe we were alright but as time passes us by, things change.

High school. What a different life for me. We spent our time during recesses, laughed together and when you cried, I comforted you. I was there for you. I listened to you. Or maybe I was just laughing alone, comforted no one and was there for nothing. Certain times you pushed me away, shut me out. But I didn't complain. Afterall, personal things are personal things; best left untouched. When you had trouble, I came to your aid. I pulled others in along with me. My compassion for you has made other people follow me down the road of nowhere. And my naivity lead us to a big debt.

I remember when I found out you "backstabbed" me by telling the guy I liked that I'm not a good person. A friend. What am I to you? I don't know what exactly you said, but yeah, you could be right. But telling the guy I like? Or maybe you didn't know yet I liked him. Giving a bad impression of me to other people? And I defended you when other people talked crap.

So what happened? Perhaps I shouldn't have doubted you when I did. Perhaps I shouldn't have even talked to you about something personal. Perhaps I shouldn't have criticized too much. But it involves me. Did you ever think of how I would feel? Did you ever think about what other people would think? Are you so lost in your own world that you have forgotten us? The people who helped you, the people who asked what was wrong. But soon we drifted away as we lost contact. As we don't know what in the world is happening next with you.

So what is a friend to you, huh? The people who only give you joy and not critical judgement to improve yourself? The people who spend money on you? The people who don't ask what's happening in your life? A friend. Me. You told the world I was your friend. Yet, I'm not prioritized in your list. You don't update me, you don't tell me your problems. Nothing. Just a simple few sentences of small talk.

And you. The other you. I know you're only trying to tell me what kind of friend I'm having. I know you're only caring. But you don't have to tell me her weak points. I believe that there are things even we can't see. We can't just judge so much. We don't know her. Have we been so personal with her that we know her every thought? That we 100% know her motives? We don't. So please, just leave it be. Let me have my thoughts, my perceptions and my judgement of her.

It was a sunny day that afternoon. The coulds were clear but it was bound to rain. I could feel it and could sense the looming dark clouds floating towards our direction. My senses of these things are always heightened. These kind of things tend to happen during rain, don't they? Ours happened much earlier. Before the rain clouds even came. I was on the left and he was on the right. Both of us different thoughts but with only one goal. To reach whatever we were thinking of. I felt so different. So out of this world. I could only think of getting to bed.



A flash of a sign to go. I knew it, I sensed it, I saw it. I gave a signal. We both moved. I turned myself to the right, towards him. And he went straight on. He was furious, he was fast, he was eager. Bodies clashed, our eyes widened and heart beats accelerated. Air was sucked in- a gasp. Then, my lips spread apart. A breath escaped. He looked at me and I stared right back. Adrenaline pumped. Heart beats. I heard mine. What about him? What do I do? Could this be happening? Right here, on this very sunny day.
It was a memory that was going to be stuck in my mind.
My very first time.
In the middle of... traffic.



And so both of us pulled to the side, came out of our cars and checked the condition of them. His a broken headlamp, sidelamp and a dented fender. Mine?






Oh, the pain! The pain! I could feel it as my wallet rips!

Last Thursday, CIMP's theme was to come in either Pink or Red and it was in support of breast cancer awareness. In fact, this October month is Pink month all around the world! It was fun, everyone had fun, pink ribbons were handed out, flyers were flying and as expected, pictures were taken.


Informational flyers


In support of breast cancer awareness.


Kyle: Adeline... what are you doing?


Me and Adeline in all her pink gloriness.


Try spotting our ribbons. (Adeline doesn't need one cause she's donned fully in pink!)


Wow, this guy is so supportive!

Putting the fun aside, the breast cancer awareness run was really good as it (hopefully) caused many of us to be more open-eyed to this rising seriousness. Now guys, if you think this doesn't apply to you and that you're free from this sort of thing, think again. About 1% of breast cancer cases are males. May not seem like a big number, but you could be in that lucky 1%. The horrors!!! Ok-lah guys, no need worry so much. I was just scaring you.

Breast cancer is the most common case and possibly also the most common cause of death among women in Malaysia. Though breast cancer isn't as common in teens as they are with women over their 40's, it is advisable for all girls and women to be aware of what's going on with their bodies. So ladies (and some rare men), don't be afraid of checking yourself. Early detection is much better than late because chances of survival are high. You can either self-check, get clinical examination, or go for a mammography. Or you could do all 3 if you really want to be sure. Just make sure you have the cash available.

Also note that if you find lumps, don't freak out. They may be there because your body is growing or undergoing hormonal changes. To know more about this and breast cancer, click the links provided below.

So here are the 7 early warning signs of cancer:

• Changes in bowel or bladder habits, such as bleeding, constipation & diarrhoea.
  
• A lump in the neck, bleeding from the nose or changes in hearing.
  
• Abnormal vaginal bleeding and discharge.
  
• A lump, bleeding or changes in the breast or nipple.
  
• Difficulty in swallowing or frequent indigestion & abdominal discomfort.
  
• Bothersome persistent cough or hoarseness of voice.
  
• Sores that do not heal or changes in a mole or wart.
  

Early detection is better than late because there is a cure. However, prevention is better than cure, don't everyone agree? :) To prevent breast cancer is to love your body.

Love!

Lower your risk by:

• Not smoking. If you already do, do quit.
  
• Exercise, exercise, exercise!
  
• Eat more fruits and vegetables.
  
• Maintain a healthy weight.
  
• Manage stress in your life. (Whatever affects you psychologically, affects you physically)
  
• Monthly breast self examinations.
  
• Get mammography screening.
  

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Nifty sites and articles that I went for infos:
Young Adults Program
Outsmart Breast Cancer
Malaysia Oncology
National Cancer Society
Malaysia and Breast Cancer

Here's the third part of the series. The story evolves more here and the ending leaves you in suspense! Still cute. Their names are finally introduced in this part. I think Doki (the rabbit) is really cute. She never seem to give up! Maybe you could try some dating tips from these two? Haha! Credits to SamBakza from Newgrounds.

Haven't watched the second part? Watch There She Is!!! (Step 2)

Due to slow uploading time, the flash will not be posted here. Please click the link below to watch.

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There She Is!! (Part 3)

Here's the second part of the series. Hope you enjoyed the first ^^. This time Mr. Cat finally made an effort to a better relationship!

Again, these flash animations are not mine. They belong to SamBakza from Newgrounds.

Haven't yet watched the first part? Watch There She Is!!! (Step 1)

To pause or stop the flash, right-click on the flash and uncheck the play option.

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If my blog is loading really, really slow despite your fast internet connection, do inform me.

Anyway, I found this while browsing through Newgrounds.com. This flash animation is not mine and all credits goes to SamBakza from Newgrounds. It's a really cute flash animation about a rabbit in love with a cat and the troubles they go through. I know it sounds a little stupid, but try it ;). It's worth the watch. I'll be updating the other parts soon so stay tuned!

To pause or stop the flash, right-click on the flash and uncheck the play option.

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I've always like to listen to stories, especially ones that are almost too absurd to be true or so mysterious and supernatural. I've always, always love the ways of the fictional because you could create just about anything in it.

Sometimes, weird stories could make you laugh. Like an absurb story that slowly forms itself into a joke. Or maybe some stories just make you ponder how in the world it got to that state. A mystery or a spur of stupidity.

When I found this true article about one man's suffering, I learnt that fact could be much weirder than fiction. In fact, in fiction, you would have to somehow make sense. Real life facts however, could be just any darn thing it can.

This one fact is weird, but not as much as it is painful.
(Note: Not for the weak hearted. Or rather, not for the people who cannot stand pain.)

I'm not a guy, but whatever that poor man (well, he asked for it) went through deserves an "Oowww..."! So here comes my time in pondering a couple of Life's anguish and pain. I couldn't, for the mean time, decide which is worse; to push a fully developed baby through the vagina, or having your scrotum ripped and your testis fall out.

I was so pet starved! As in I crave for pets and I'm not getting any. Ever since my father got ill, I've been having no pets at all. Then when I moved to my brother's house, there's absolutely no chance of me having furries. No dogs, no cats, no hamsters... I felt like I've been caged for months without food but I'm still surviving (okay, that don't make sense)! So I did the unthinkable. I bought fishes.

AUSMAT (Australian Matriculation) was having a charity drive on Friday. They had a fishing booth whereby you pay RM1 and for 15 seconds, you get to fish your own fish, as many as you can get, using tissue paper wrapped around hard wire instead of a real net. It was so exiciting to see the little things swimming around and my head spun with the prospect of having a pet. Even if it was just a fish. Filled with anticipation and excitement, with my eyes wide open and a stupid grin plastered on my face, I dragged Catherine to accompany me to fish. I gave RM1 to the guy behind the booth and happily dipped my handmade fishing net into the tank when the time started.

I didn't get any fish at all. Which was disappointing. I was just aiming a single fish because it was the only attractive one in that tank. What got me more disappointed was when the guy told me he gave me extra time to fish and he stopped the time when I almost got the fish. Then it jumped out of the net! Frustrating! So I went back to my group of friends wailing that I want a fish and Izzat was like, "Aiya, I go pay and you get one la!". So I went with Izzat to the booth and suddenly Aliza popped out and said she wanted to play too. So I gave her my RM1. I tried my best and finally got the fish I wanted! Yay! I had extra time too cause the guy behind the booth was being kind. Aliza caught 3 fishes but I was just happy with my 1.


Introducing my guppy fish named Fish!

If you look beside Fish, there's Chloe, Zaleha's fish. And to Zaleha, that fish is a male. I think you'd better rename it ;). Aliza gave me the other 3 fishes too but she wanted to carry them around 'til I go back home. So I only carried Fish, the fish I caught myself, around to my Biology and IDC class.

So I met Eng Yew when my break was almost over and asked him to take home one of the fishes. He said no. Pfft! But he followed me around with my mom after school to buy the stuff required for my fishes. My mom bought me a tank (I thought I had one at home but she gave the old one away), fish food and 4 more other guppies! Then Eng Yew helped me fix it up.


Cleaning the small tank.

Just a simple filter.

Getting some water in

Fishies!!!

Hm, so anyway, here comes the sad part. Fish died and the following day and the next day and the next, the fishes caught from the charity drive all died. So I was left with four very stressed fishes (yes, fishes do get stressed) from the local aquarium shop and one had its tail ripped to shreds because the other three kept bullying him. I lost that one this afternoon while I was in school.

I, unfortunately, learnt the hard way that it's not the fishes that I need to pay attention to, rather the water condition. I learnt that the tank was overcrowded with eight fishes. I learnt that new tanks are not really good for the fishes. I learnt that fishes need specific water conditions to be happy in and that my tank is very, very small, which makes it harder to maintain than a bigger tank because if ammonia builds up, the fishes get poisoned faster in a small tank than a big one. I learnt a lot about water. It was a lot to digest in a few days.

So now I know and now have three happy fishes swimming around the small tank. They seem to be supremely big eaters- like me. Haha!

Ever had one of those times when you felt like doing something you really wanted, but in the end something else held you back? Perhaps it involves your pride, or maybe your ego. Perhaps it was fear and insecurity. Or complicated as it is, all these factors combined into one? Then you never got to do the thing you wanted and you watched it slip by, realizing only too late that you should have grabbed that chance.

What if it doesn't turn out the way I want? What if it's pointless? What if they/he/she don't like me? Oh the so many 'what ifs' possibilities that can surface. So what? In your life there's bound to be mistakes made. We learn from that. In your whole life there's bound to be people that hate you. You can't please everyone. So what's stopping you? Focus on the people that truly appreciates you. There's so many out there! You don't notice them, but they certaintly do notice you. Focus on the values you learn and the experience you will gain. If you don't try, you will never know. Never surpress knowledge, never surpress experience.

If you have that something you wanted to do, some passion stirring inside of you, a confession you want to make, well I say just do it. Push yourself, slap yourself, by all means just squish that insecure or prideful part of yourself and go freaking do that thing you want!

Because opportunities don't come everytime.
Because later in life, you learn from the outcome and can look back without regrets.
Because you took that risk.
Because you live a little more of your life.
Because life can only be lived once.

So go grab it. Grab that opportunity. Suck in your breath and prepare for the harsh waters. Trust me, that feeling of satisfaction beats the feeling of regret.



So here's to me, taking a deep breath and plunging into the waters.

Wish me luck.

If anyone could find the full song for this, I would really appreciate it. Here's the full lyrics so you know it's the full song. If you would like to hear it, I've currently found the short version of the song in YouTube.

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Elsewhere, Bethany Joy Lenz.


I love the time and in between
the calm inside me
in the space where I can breathe
I believe there is a
distance I have wandered
to touch upon the years of
reaching out and reaching in
holding out holding in

I believe
this is heaven to no one else but me
and I'll defend it as long as I can be
left here to linger in silence
if I choose to
would you try to understand

I know this love is passing time
passing through like liquid
I am drunk in my desire...
but I love the way you smile at me
I love the way your hands reach out and hold me near...
I believe...

I believe
this is heaven to no one else but me
and I'll defend it as long as
I can be left here to linger in silence
if I choose to
would you try to understand

Oh the quiet child awaits the day when she can break free
the mold that clings like desperation
Mother can't you see I've got
to live my life the way I feel is right for me
might not be right for you but it's right for me...
I believe...

I believe
this is heaven to no one else but me
and I'll defend it as long as
I can be left here to linger in silence
if I choose to
would you try to understand it

I would like to linger here in silence
if I choose to
would you understand it
would you try to understand...

So the celebration came few days later. Sunday happened to be very boring. Woke up in the morning feeling like a zombie, went to church, watched my niece smile like there's no tomorrow, ate wan ton mee, came home, slept... and woke up again. Haha. I know, boring. But then something interesting was going to happen at night. Who is to blame? Him...



He brought me for dinner. At first he told me that we were going to the Food Court nearby. I really did believe him at first. I worried that I've overdressed and wanted to whack his head really hard for not telling me earlier. Wear a short skirt to a hawker centre? GAH!

But then on the way out, I thought things over in my head and it's very, very unlikely that he asked me out for dinner days earlier just so we could go eat at the Food Court (he does not really like the Food Court, by the way). We went out to the Puteri shop lots when he suddenly slowed down and said he had forgotten something to buy. I knew immediately then that something was amiss. He U-turned and went to the new shop lots area right beside Giant. I remembered that I've sneaked a peep at his phone messages on Friday and I read that he wanted to go for a Korean BBQ (Yeah, yeah. Naughty me! Eh, next time delete those harmful SMS-es lah!). So I looked out the window and saw this HUGE sign that said...



So it was either Nasi Kandar or BBQ. The latter is the most obvious. I smiled to myself while he continued on complaining how he could forget to buy that certain "thing". I'm sooo smart, right? Haha! When I looked through the menu, I saw that the price was... wow. I CAN'T BE SPOILT LIKE THIS!!! So anyway, the rest of this post will be in pictures! Enjoy, enjoy!


Here's where we had to take out our shoes to get unto the platform.

A picture of one of the beautiful seating places. Instead of chairs, we have a hole!

Ordered just two meat sets and look the the variety of side dishes!

This is my favourite... Actually, no. I just love having vege with my meal.

First served was soup with loads of pepper. Yum!

Then came the thin slices of beef. We didn't have to do anything. The waiters did everything for us, walking up and down, turning over the meat, refilling our drinks and asking if we want more side dishes to eat when we ate finish one plate.

Our second set. Don't the meat look all juicy and tender?

We had watermelon for dessert too. I wonder if they'll give more...

Sweet, sweet barley.

Really, you shouldn't spoil me so much. Because I don't know how to spoil you back. =P

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Yeah, lah, a little late. But still, I want to say I appreciate this whole year a lot. You know it, I know it. Thanks for all the sweet sacrifices and the debates (I had much fun, really!). Also, thanks for shaping me to become a better individual.

Me loves ya lots!!! Happy (2nd) 1st Year Anniversary, my little G!

P.S: I would write more sweet things here but I know you'll most probably say I've copied you and gag on the floor or worst of all, have diabetes!

I don't know why
At certain times I feel so weak
I don't know why
Sometimes things could look so bleak

All I wanted to do
Was survive this day
All I ended up doing
Was all in the wrong way

I really wish that
With just a simple thought
With just a simple smile
With just a simple "Sorry"
Everything would be alright.

But hey, that only exists in my fantasy.

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I hold that little ray of hope closer to myself, afraid that if I let it go, all would disappear.

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I found this while browsing the net at Natashakhoo.com. It's a heart-warming, meaningful story by a 15-year-old Singaporean student. It was her winning entry for the 2004 Commonwealth Essay Competition. Take time to read it. It's really good.

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What the Modern Woman Wants
By Amanda Chong Wei-Zhen

The old woman sat in the backseat of the magenta convertible as it careened down the highway, clutching tightly to the plastic bag on her lap, afraid it may be kidnapped by the wind. She was not used to such speed, with trembling hands she pulled the seatbelt tighter but was careful not to touch the patent leather seats with her callused fingers, her daughter had warned her not to dirty it, ‘Fingerprints show very clearly on white, Ma.’

Her daughter, Bee Choo, was driving and talking on her sleek silver mobile phone using big words the old woman could barely understand.’Finance’ ‘Liquidation’ ‘Assets’ ‘Investments’… Her voice was crisp and important and had an unfamiliar lilt to it. Her Bee Choo sounded like one of those foreign girls on television. She was speaking in an American accent. The old lady clucked her tongue in disapproval.

‘I absolutely cannot have this. We have to sell!’ Her daughter exclaimed agitatedly as she stepped on the accelerator; her perfectly manicured fingernails gripping onto the steering wheel in irritation.

‘I can’t DEAL with this anymore!’ she yelled as she clicked the phone shut and hurled it angrily toward the backseat. The mobile phone hit the old woman on the forehead and nestled soundlessly into her lap. She calmly picked it up and handed it to her daughter.

‘Sorry, Ma,’ she said, losing the American pretence and switching to Mandarin. ‘I have a big client in America. There have been a lot of problems.’ The old lady nodded knowingly. Her daughter was big and important. Bee Choo stared at her mother from the rear view window, wondering what she was thinking.

Her mother’s wrinkled countenance always carried the same cryptic look. The phone began to ring again, an artificially cheerful digital tune, which broke the awkward silence.

‘Hello, Beatrice! Yes, this is Elaine.’ Elaine. The old woman cringed. I didn’t name her Elaine. She remembered her daughter telling her, how an English name was very important for ‘networking’, Chinese ones being easily forgotten.

‘Oh no, I can’t see you for lunch today. I have to take the ancient relic to the temple for her weird daily prayer ritual.’ Ancient Relic. The old woman understood perfectly it was referring to her. Her daughter always assumed that her mother’s silence meant she did not comprehend.

‘Yes, I know! My car seats will be reeking of joss sticks!’ The old woman pursed her lips tightly, her hands gripping her plastic bag in defence. The car curved smoothly into the temple courtyard. It looked almost garish next to the dull sheen of the ageing temple’s roof. The old woman got out of the back seat, and made her unhurried way to the main hall. Her daughter stepped out of the car in her business suit and stilettos and reapplied her lipstick as she made her brisk way to her.

‘Ma, I’ll wait outside. I have an important phone call to make,’ she said, not bothering to hide her disgust at the pungent fumes of incense. The old lady hobbled into the temple hall and lit a joss stick, she knelt down solemnly and whispered her now familiar daily prayer to the Gods.

‘Thank you God of the Sky, you have given my daughter luck all these years. Everything I prayed for, you have given her. She has everything a young woman in this world could possibly want. She has a big house with a swimming pool, a maid to help her, as she is too clumsy to sew or cook. Her love life has been blessed; she is engaged to a rich and handsome angmohman. Her company is now the top financial firm and even men listen to what she says. She lives the perfect life. You have given her everything except happiness. I ask that the gods be merciful to her even if she has lost her roots while reaping the harvest of success. What you see is not true - she is a filial daughter to me. She gives me a room in her big house and provides well for me. She is rude to me only because I affect her happiness. A young woman does not want to be hindered by her old mother. It is my fault.’

The old lady prayed so hard that tears welled up in her eyes. Finally, with her head bowed in reverence she planted the half-burnt joss stick into an urn of smouldering ashes. She bowed once more. The old woman had been praying for her daughter for thirty-two years. When her stomach was round like a melon, she came to the temple and prayed that it was a son.

Then the time was ripe and the baby slipped out of her womb, bawling and adorable with fat thighs and pink cheeks, but unmistakably, a girl. Her husband had kicked and punched her for producing a useless baby who could not work or carry the family name. Still, the woman returned to the temple with her new-born girl tied to her waist in a sarong and prayed that her daughter would grow up and have everything she ever wanted. Her husband left her and she prayed that her daughter would never have to depend on a man. She prayed every day that her daughter would be a great woman, the woman that she, meek and uneducated, could never become. A woman with nengkan; the ability to do anything she set her mind to A woman who commanded respect in the hearts of men. When she opened her mouth to speak, precious pearls would fall out and men would listen.

She will not be like me, the woman prayed as she watched her daughter grow up and drift away from her, speaking a language she scarcely understood. She watched her daughter transform from a quiet girl, to one who openly defied her, calling her laotu; old-fashioned. She wanted her mother to be ‘modern’, a word so new there was no Chinese word for it. Now her daughter was too clever for her and the old woman wondered why she had prayed like that.

The gods had been faithful to her persistent prayer, but the wealth and success that poured forth so richly had buried the girl’s roots and now she stood, faceless, with no identity, bound to the soil of her ancestors by only a string of origami banknotes. Her daughter hadforgotten her mother’s values. Her wants were so ephemeral; that of a modern woman. Power, Wealth, access to the best fashion boutiques, and yet her daughter had not found true happiness.

The old woman knew that you could find happiness with much less. When her daughter left the earth everything. She had would count for nothing. People would look to her legacy and say that she was a great woman, but she would be forgotten once the wind blows over, like the ashes of burnt paper convertibles and mansions.

The old woman wished she could go back and erase all her big hopes and prayers for her daughter; now she had only one want: That her daughter be happy. She looked out of the temple gate. She saw her daughter speaking on the phone, her brow furrowed with anger and worry. Being at the top is not good, the woman thought, there is only one way to go from there - down.

The old woman carefully unfolded the plastic bag and spread out a packet of bee hoon in front of the altar. Her daughter often mocked her for worshipping porcelain Gods. How could she pray to them so faithfully and expect pieces of ceramic to fly to her aid? But her daughter had her own gods too, idols of wealth, success and power that she was enslaved to and worshipped every day of her life. Every day was a quest for the idols, and the idols she worshipped counted for nothing in eternity. All the wants her daughter had would slowly suck the life out of her and leave her, an empty soulless shell at the altar. The old lady watched her joss tick. The dull heat had left a teetering grey stem that was on the danger of collapsing. Modern woman nowadays, the old lady sighed in resignation, as she bowed to the east one final time to end her ritual. Modern woman nowadays want so much that they lose their souls and wonder why they cannot find it.

Her joss stick disintegrated into a soft grey powder. She met her daughter outside the temple, the same look of worry and frustration was etched on her daughter’s face. An empty expression, as if she was ploughing through the soil of her wants looking for the one thing that would sow the seeds of happiness. They climbed into the convertible in silence and her daughter drove along the highway, this time not as fast as she had done before.

‘Ma,’ Bee Choo finally said. ‘I don’t know how to put this. Mark and I have been talking about it and we plan to move out of the big house. The property market is good now, and we managed to get a buyer willing to pay seven million for it. We decided we’d prefer a cosier penthouse apartment instead. We found a perfect one in Orchard Road. Once we move in to our apartment we plan to get rid of the maid, so we can have more space to ourselves…’

The old woman nodded knowingly. Bee Choo swallowed hard. ‘We’d get someone to come in to do the housework and we can eat out-but once the maid is gone, there won’t be anyone to look after you. You will be awfully lonely at home and, besides that, the apartment is rather small. There won’t be space. We thought about it for a long time, and we decided the best thing for you is if you moved to a Home. There’s one near Hougang - it’s a Christian home, a very nice one.’

The old woman did not raise an eyebrow. ‘I’ve been there, the matron is willing to take you in. It’s beautiful with gardens and lots of old people to keep you company! I hardly have time for you, you’d be happier there.’ ‘You’d be happier there, really.’ Her daughter repeated as if to affirm herself.

This time the old woman had no plastic bag of food offerings to cling tightly to; she bit her lip and fastened her seat belt, as if it would protect her from a daughter who did not want her anymore. She sunk deep into the leather seat, letting her shoulders sag, and her fingers trace the white seat.

‘Ma?’ her daughter asked, searching the rear view window for her mother. ‘Is everything okay?’

What had to be done, had to be done. ‘Yes,’ she said firmly, louder than she intended, ‘if it will make you happy,’ she added more quietly.

‘It’s for you, Ma! You’ll be happier there. You can move there tomorrow, I already got the maid to pack your things.’ Elaine said triumphantly, mentally ticking yet another item off her agenda.

‘I knew everything would be fine.’ Elaine smiled widely; she felt liberated. Perhaps getting rid of her mother would make her happier. She had thought about it. It seemed the only hindrance in her pursuit of happiness. She was happy now. She had everything a modern woman ever wanted; Money, Status, Career, Love, Power and now, Freedom, without her mother and her old-fashioned ways to weigh her down… Yes, she was free.

Her phone buzzed urgently, she picked it up and read the message, still beaming from ear to ear. ‘Stocks 10% increase!’ Yes, things were definitely beginning to look up for her…

And while searching for the meaning of life in the luminance of her hand phone screen, the old woman in the backseat became invisible, and she did not see the tears.

Mobile Phones. Ever remember when and how you learnt how to use them? The first time you figured out how to call a person, the first time you knew how to save a contact, the first time you learnt how to send a text message and last but not least, the first time learning how to leave a voice message? I couldn't remember how I had manage to gain knowledge of using the phone, but I do remember very well my first time encountering leaving a voice message. And it isn't a memory I'm very proud of.

I couldn't remember exactly what age I was but I was very young; about the range of 5 to 9 years. My family were out doing I don't know what. They left me at home alone most probably because I told them I'll stay at home and take care of the house (at that age I felt really good being independent). I am, afterall, a "big girl". I always loved being praised as "big girl". I have no idea why.


Anyway, back to being home alone. It got to a point where my single-story house felt too lonely and too empty. So I decided to call my father to see when he'll be back. The phone rang and rang and rang and no one answered. And finally, a nice lady voice operator took up the phone! Below is a result of what happened.

Phone: [Ring...Ring...Ring...] This is the voice mail box of 012xxxxxxx. Please leave a message after the tone. Beep!


Young Me: Huh? Wait! I don't know how to leave a voice message...


Phone: [No reply]


Young Me: Can you tell me how?


Phone: [No reply]

Young Me: [Thinking] This mobile phone lady isn't friendy at all. [sigh] [put down phone]

I am not sure whether the young me told the voice mail box lady if I'm lonely or not. I really hope not. Later in the day when my parents came back, my father was very amused. He came to me with an amused smile and said, "What do you mean you don't know how to leave a voice message? Just talk like that lah."

I didn't understand what he meant at that time. Now, I do. Very, very crystal clear. Oh, how embarrassing!

Emoticon from Emoodicon

Don't you guys love to have this much money to spend? XD

Is money really everything? Think about it. Without money, you have no way of survival, especially when prices of products and services nowadays are getting higher and higher. Living expenses get higher, the poor get poorer, the rich get more worried and those who can afford it are able to get into universities for a good education to ensure in the future that they have a good job. Those who can't, drop out of school and start working their way up the corporate ladder. For some people, especially capitalists, money is power. With money, you get to control the politicians (for spreading their messages and vote posters through the media, they need lots of money which comes from sponsors). Once you get to control the politicians, you get to control the government. And with the power to control the government, you get to control the society. So in that way, money is power. So really, in this aspect, money is everything.

Or is it? One thing people seem to ignore is the fact that to get money, you need to sacrifice your time. You need to work, you need to spend less time away from the social world. So great, you are earning money! But for what? Most people would say for future use, for the family, for luxury. But then the question comes again; how long will you work? Will you slog and slog to have your family live a better life? Yes? Will they be happy? Are you happy? With the time spent working and slogging, what are your family and friends doing during that time period? They can't just freeze in time for you while you go and earn the money to bring luxury into their lives. With that long time spent working, do you think your family knows you well? Do you think they love you? Oh, they definitely love your money and know your money well. Very well. What about yourself?

I know of a man who had worked so hard, night and day, for the sake of his family. So that his children will have good education, so that his wife enjoy life like a tai tai, so that his home is as comfortable and as luxurius as it can be. In the end he got really sick, unable to keep track of his health, and realised then that it was too late to bring back lost time. A question he asked before was, "I worked so hard, but for what?" Really. What for? For the sake of his family so that they don't have to suffer like poor people? Is that all they get? Is that it? The time he could have spent with his family, the memories he could have made, the things he could have thought his children... all went away with the time he spent slogging to earn that great income that'll bring luxury. And I could tell you, that high aim of earning money, at the end of the day would mean nothing if you did not balance out your life.

Afterall, the main reason why we earn money for is for survival. Am I right? And if you say that there is a big difference between the life of the poor and the life of the rich, I say you are mistaken.

Poor little poor people.


Take an example of a poor man. He has a job that earns him an income just enough to put food on the table and support his family of four. Sometimes, he would have to eat instant noodles so his family has things to eat. But after work, he comes back, he spends time with his wife and kids, he talks with them, watches the TV... is this man suffering? Eating instant noodles instead of better food other families with more money get to enjoy? Is this man sad? Most probably, this man is happy that he had earned the money himself and managed to put food on the table for his family. Even if he had to wash dishes to do it, or mop floors, or sell used cans and bottles. At the end of the day he would beam and say something like, "I washed this much plates and earned this much money and that's how I got the food on the table." To top it off, he has the time to spend with his family. So watch his kids fight, to help his wife with house chores, to relax in front of the TV and maybe wrestle for the one and only remote in the house.

Now take another example of a rich man. He has a great BMW car, a big bangalow, good food on the table. He has a high income of more than 4k. But then, when he gets his pay at the end of the month, he has to worry about paying electricity bills, car installments, debt of the bangalow, installment for his shiny Rolex watch, money for healthy food, money for this, money for that, in the end he is just left with a quater of his salary. In the end, he still just manage to get food on the table and survive on a daily basis. Then back he goes again, to work for MORE money that will bring him a MORE comfortable lifestyle and MORE time gets sacrificed.

The rich and poor are exactly the same. The difference is just that the rich eat more luxurious food.

Money... money you can earn anytime. As long as you have able hands, able legs, as long as you know how to wash dishes, clean the floor, as long as you have the will, you still are able to earn the money to survive.

But the time with something non-materialistic, like your family, that is lost can never be regained again. This is because time will not wait for you. Once it's gone, it's gone. I'm not saying that you have to drop work and stay at home forever and ever bonded with your family, holding them tight til the end of your life. What I am saying is, to be obsessed over money and to think money is everything, your priorities might be mixed up. True, money can get you many things. And if you are rich enough, it can buy you power. True, once you are sick you can go get the best hospital in the world but that would only buy you maybe 1 to 5 years more of your life. However, money like all the other materials, is just a form of object. It comes and it goes. You can get money whenever and where ever. Money cannot ultimately guarantee you lifelong happiness. And eventually, it runs out.

To me, money is a necessity. But it is not everything.

What about you?