It was all coming together, piece by piece. The multiple sighs, the heavy hearts, the pools of tears…

 

An epiphany; it was me. As I let the emotions bubbled up inside of me and worked their way from my stomach, to my chest, to my throat, and out my eyes, I realized that it was me I cried for. It was me that I've failed. It was anger, it was shame, it was guilt- all me.

 

And the little pieces joined to form a partial picture of it all. Then I saw Hope and she had always been my secret lover. I smiled at her as she cradled my face, wiping the tears that brimmed my eyes.

 

Here she is again to entice me back.   

~Joanna

Hello, dusty world.

That was what she thought as she slowly paced around the empty room. It was dark and lonely. Cloths that were once pearly white were draped across unused furniture scattered across the room. Turning around the room, she saw what once used to be her sanctuary.  That little table at the corner was where she used to write her many thoughts and fantasies. The wardrobe next to it used to be her "secret hide-out". As she shifted across the room, she would occasionally kick up some amount of dust that would dance their way up and disperse themselves around the room. She could picture the time when she would run across the room and jump on the bed, enjoying the trampoline effect her bed gave her. Now, the bed was just another member of the unused furniture.
I missed you.  ~Joanna

It is a race. One where legs pump hard to keep the speed. Faster, faster... she would like to hear the wind flying pass her ears, feel the coolness of the earth's breath on her face and that burn she feel in her legs as she continues to push. 
Then, there is the trip. The one where her feet suddenly could not coordinate and let her shoe hit a part of the ground. With the momentum, it sends her flying forward, feet at an angle away from the ground and hands outstretched to break the fall. Break they did as the skin of her palms scrape against the coarse ground and sand manages to hurt her tender flesh. Soon, her knees followed with impact to the ground and her body rolled twice before it came to a full stop. 
As thick, red blood trickled down her arms and legs, she tried to calm her beating heart that was working overtime both from the run and the fall. She was sitting in an upright position, waiting for the medics to arrive. They took only about a minute, but it was a full minute. 
A minute where she would contemplate if she should have ran as fast as she did and what made her trip. Her own carelessness, or was it a slight obstacle she was unaware of? She looked at her wounds. Damn. It was sure to leave some scars. Her hands were shaking, her breathing rugged. Would she have the courage to get up and run again, or surrender to the care of the medics?
Get up.
A small voice in her head, but it was firm and determined. 
No...
Another, more emotional voice. The two battled for a few seconds. 
And then she was in the air. The wind curled through her hair, whistled at her ears and gently tugged her backwards. She was too fast, too determined to notice. Her legs pumped and her pain forgotten. When she slowed down, she was sure to feel it again, but at that moment, she could not care less. Down the track she goes. It does not matter if she wins, but it matters if she kept going.
That's what she does. She kept going.
~Joanna

I may not have all the answers with me. I may not be 100% okay. In fact, who is ever 100% okay?  I do, however, have the motivation to look forward. The courage to face what comes next. The confidence that I made the right choices even if they seem wrong at some moment. I am discovering, I am taking risks, I am happy. There are no regrets here. Definitely no regrets.  I can smile and close my eyes in perfect peace.  ~Joanna

I read today what I should have read weeks ago. I didn't notice until today, that a long note was left and it was left unread. 
All is forgiven, forgotten, but cherished and appreciated. 
~Joanna

Sitting at the ledge, she let her legs dangle and swing. Way below were illuminating lights from passing motorists and cars. The night brought a gentle, cooling breeze and it lightly swept her hair backwards. Her lips curved and her eyes closed, depicting the serenity she felt. This was it. This is what life have come to and she had finally reached the conclusion.

"Tara!" Shocked, surprised, or pained, she could not tell. One thing's for sure, the voice was a little too high pitched and sharp for a time like this. She allowed herself to be brought out from the calm, her eyes fluttered open and searched for the source.

As expected, his face showed a multitude of concern, surprise, worry even. His brows were pulled upward, eyes were widened and mouth was left ajar. It took a moment before it started moving again. "What do you think you're doing?"

Poor Daniel. She wanted to tell him how not to worry, that everything was okay. All confusion, worries and problems will be solved and be done with soon. Just that she could not find the energy to exercise her vocal chords. The serenity that enveloped her previously still held her body captive and her mind adrift from the world inside the apartment. The bright, colourful apartment that she and him furnished together- built a life together.

"Please," he spoke again, a tinge of desperation. "Whatever it is, we can talk about it. We'll figure it out."

"It's already been figured out, Dan," she gave a simple smile.

He shook his head, his brows pulled together. She saw him inch just a little closer toward the balcony. "No, not like this."

"My mind has already been made up."

"There's still space and time to rethink."

"It's been thought out, Dan. It's already been done." She unfolded the paper she held in her hands and set it on the small table that stood beside her.

"W-what do you mean?" This time he was frozen. Too afraid to move. The only reply he got back was her smile. She looked beautiful with that smile. He always loved her smile. Rows of perfect teeth, dimples on each side of her cheeks. Except this time, he was not graced with her beautiful green eyes that would light up whenever she smiled. It was sad, maybe a little judgemental. Then, the next thing he could recall was her hair. Those maroon strands that floated in the wind as she fell forward, out into the open, twenty feet space.

He did not know how he got the ledge. It was as if his body and his mind had separated. His hands were white with gripping the bar tight, his heart was pounding fast, he was sure he heard a really awful sound, only to realise later that it came from him. He did not know how long it was, or how it happened, but he felt a pair of hands grip his shoulders and turned him around. A pair of concerned eyes, which he thought looked oddly familiar, but he could only think of pleading with the person to save her or at least let him go so he could get to her. He managed to get out of the stranger's hold and ran towards the apartment door which coincidentally opened. Two men stepped in and headed towards him. They held him and locked his hands behind him.

"What are you doing?!" He shouted and struggled against their grip. "Let me get to her! Tara! TARA!"

"It's alright," said a voice. He felt a pinch on his arm, saw a syringe before everything went blur and then black.

~Joanna

Lesson learnt very early on before this conclusion is even written down. When you think you are helping someone, someone would not appreciate it because of the way you do things. When you think honesty is the best policy, even to someone close, they'd think you're just being mean and not understanding. No matter how hard you try to be not only a shoulder to cry on, but also someone to help nudge them in the right direction, even the closest, would not appreciate it.

People cannot predict you or your intentions. People are driven by their own logics and their own emotions. People are still human, even the closest ones. However, in my own mind and my own way, relationships are the most important bonds that would help overcome most conflicts. They would stop, think and consider that maybe some good intentions are there, or the acceptance that not everyone's mind is the same. Perhaps it's naivety, stupidity or perhaps just rarity of a thought like this. Therefore, I learnt very early on, that to some, relationships may not matter as much as their ambition, love or pride. 
And therefore, I am alone. When thought clearly about it, I have been mostly alone all along. Just fooled by the hope of a pure, naive thought.
There was a time when the heart had almost shut completely to this experience, knowing the truth. But as always, it would open up again, just like allowing blood to flow in and out. It is just that it did not open up completely. Skeptical and always aware, traits that refrain it from doing what it thinks is right. 
With some soul searching, it could be that there were certain things that I could have done better. I could have been wrong. Another lesson also learnt. Sometimes to the closest, support is all that is needed. Silence could be the most useful tool. Maybe the one that is blind is you, and you just need to stand by appreciating the person with sight. Who knows if good success could be attributed to your given support? Or perhaps, the other would need to go through an experience to understand what would your opinions be about.
Whatever it is, a pure, trusting relationship had been tainted long ago along this travelling road. After that, only comes a wind that sweeps away the faint debris of a companion. Then you are left walking through the woods (to be taken as something interesting and adventurous) , wondering if any other wind would come to sweep you away too. 
~Joanna

Constrained, the Self pulls itself back from where the Heart wants to be. Information from the Brain has told the Mind to lock up the Heart before damage could be done. It was locked, pacing and anticipating its release. 
Day by day, its hope slowly diminish and its gait becomes of a low pace. Soon, out of luck, an urgent matter. Either it was a real necessity or the Heart had managed to manipulate its way out, the place the Heart wants to be soon became tangible. And how perfectly tangible it was.
It felt as if, after a long, long while, thirst was quenched by the refreshing waters from the mountains. The Heart had been released and away, away, with great speed, it goes to where it wants to be. How warm, how contented it was. A moment of bliss, of joy- a rarity to gain, the hardest to maintain. How it loves the place that it wants to be. A simple joy turned great.
If only, if only... the Heart could stay where it wanted to be. But the visit was short, the joy, brief. Soon, the Heart was pulled back again, to be put in the cells that once again, hold it captive.  ~Joanna

Inside a person there is a Mind to help the body move and make decisions. The Mind has two assistants reporting to it. First, there is the Brain; to rationalize and make sure that the decisions are the right, logical ones. Second, there is the Heart so that whatever hard, logical thinking and conclusion the brain makes, it is balanced out with the factor that some decisions just need moral grounds, a little compassion and empathy. 
A battlefield exists when the Mind's assistants clash against one another. The Brain holds one stance, and the Heart holds another. Sometimes the Mind knows which side is better. Based on the situation, the Mind will favour either the Heart over the Brain, or the Brain over the Heart. It is a simple conclusion. 
However, when both the Brain and the Heart fight to have their opinions accepted by the Mind, the Mind gets confused. On one hand, Brain has been logical and has listed down the pros in listening to it. On the other hand, the Heart screams that the logics does not matter than there are other things more important than just tangible pros and cons from the Brain. 
When the Mind chooses the Heart, the Brain very quickly points out several destructive flaws. When the Mind switches to support the Brain, the Heart very aggressively fights back and prove, with bravery and persistence, the Mind is not ready to handle what the Brain has to offer. And so the battle continues with the Brain and the Heart.
In this battlefield, it seems to me, the Heart may win. 
~Joanna

Whenever there is an ending, there is a new beginning. Stories of happily ever after, there will be stories of what comes next. Stories of heartaches and lost, will only await new stories to be filled up. The ending is not truly an ending, but an ending to a chapter of life. 
One must not look too deeply into sadness because it is easy to become lost in the swirling maze. They say Time is the best healer, so Time, come hold my hand. Those faces that are pulled to a frown, will not stay that way forever. There will always be change. Mother Nature is always changing and human emotions are always changing. We can only flow along, allowing oneself to be swept away with the river stream. 
Yes, there are things we love and lost. Perhaps what is lost will open way for something better, or perhaps what is lost is just lost because there is none like it. Yet, the truth remains that it is lost. Truth that is bound to be out of your control. But why control?
Humans are so easily satisfied with the familiarity and the routine of life. When Life gives a jolt, the natural response is fear of what will happen and what can happen. Yet, humans get bored by what they do and how they live. Clashing conflict. When Life gives you a jolt, jolt up and move. Walk or run, it makes no difference as long as you do not take the steps backward and repeat the cycle. If it could be fixed, fix it. If not, leave it. 
Yes, and another journey to travel. Just like how one would look forward to be better at work through training, one must look forward to be better at life through its training. Do not forget, God's blessings and plans are always there. 
So the heart is soothed by the quiet comfort of it. ~Joanna

A person like you could move faster than me. More height, more power, more energy. 
I know. Once there was a strong love bonded by strong ribbons, is now twisted, frayed and weak. If you do not look hard enough, no one would know that the love was there.
I know. Life is such an enjoyment now. Plenty of options, people who look up to you, look for you. 
You are happy without the twisted and frayed love. 
And I know, I won't touch what is not to touch. I won't try, when you wouldn't want me to try. Though I feel it, though I could sense it with the recesses of my mind. I give one big push and distance myself.
Then the sharp icicles, it flows through me and then outwardly. Pieces of memories are cut up and thrown away. Pleasures of life, given away. 
But I know, deep inside, the pieces of memories will never erase. It would not be as easy. Intangible things are never as easy.

Anesidora had a little box of treasures. It was made from dark, solid wood that was cleverly designed to only open with a special key it came with. Inside the box held many surprises from day to day. Sometimes, it would contain beautiful jewelleries. Other times, and more abstractly, it would give Anesidora the feeling of joy for the whole day. There are times that the little box of treasures, once opened, contained spells that would give her tears and sorrow.

Anesidora grown to like this little box of treasures, even though there were still suffering, but the joys that it contained seem to please Anesidora more than anything else. There was a time when Anesidora was experimenting with some spells when it backfired and ricochet off the walls of the laboratory. There was a terrible, resonating sound that foretold the crumbling of the room and Anesidora tried to salvage as many precious items as she can from it. One of the items, happened to be the little box of treasures. She had gotten out just in time before the laboratory walls came falling apart and would have killed her instantly were she to stay in.

Saddened by the devastation, Anesidora turned to her little box of treasures. "Perhaps, it would give me some joy," she thought.

She inserted the special key and turned the lock. Only, to her surprise, it did not open as it usually does. Perplexed, she tried to turn the key again and again. It did not open. She cried, "Oh, box of treasures! Are you affected by the failed spell too?"

So comes the trials for Anesidora to open the box. She had tried to prying it open, hammering it, throwing it against the cold hard wall, and even the spells that she knew could work on any type of lock. Alas, it was futile. Not a dent was on the box, save for small scratches after what has been done to it. Truly, the box could only be opened by the special key. And oh, what horror to Anesidora that the special key could not work any more!

Day after day, Anesidora tried opening the little box of treasures with the key, hoping that one day the enchantment would return and the box would open. But day after day, there was only the click of the turn, but not the opening of the box. Anesidora was devastated, but she kept on trying.

One night, Anesidora returned to the little box as usual and examined it pensively. For a long time, the box has given her wealth beyond her imagination. This time, the box was giving her more sorrow. The inability to open it saddened her more than the devastation of her laboratory. Had the enchantment fail because of her experiments? Or was it already the maximum that the box could give her? With a heavy heart, she took the box in her hands and walked to the nearby window. She bundled the special key with the little box and threw it out the window, which fell into the river which carried it away, far away from her.

Perhaps this little box of treasures, would open up to a different person to share what it was to give. Or perhaps, if there ever was fate for her, she would find the little box of treasures again, to enjoy the wealth it was ready to give.

And she closed her eyes, to melt the sadness away. Then she turned and headed to rebuild her laboratory again.

~Joanna

The superhero was always less seen nowadays. At one point when he was gone, the little girl went up to the mother and asked, "When is Papa coming back?"

Her mother, slender in body, hands worn and tried from housework, stopped her chore for a moment to look at the little girl clad in just her pyjamas and bare footed on that cool day. The lady's lips curved up in amusement.

"Soon," she told the little girl. Then, she continued on squeezing wet clothes from the red pail before her and hung them up to dry. There were more things to do after this; to sweep the house, to mop the floor, to cook a meal for her three children, to make sure that the little girl has her bath (for it was strange she dislike going to bath), to boil some water as well as prepare for tomorrow's breakfast for the children to take to school. Endless.

The little girl, not knowing this, still stood in front of her mother, waiting for something interesting to happen. Her mind wandered off to where her father was. She did not know where, but she knew it was quite far. And would he bring back toys like he did last time? Would he hug her? Would he tuck her in bed? She anticipated them. "I miss him," she said, and padded off away to play with her toys.

The slender lady, known as the little girl's mother, looked up from her work one more time to absent mindedly watch her little girl pull her bright yellow toy phone around. She sighed. Her husband was getting more and more busy lately, what with five mouths to feed and wanting a good education for the children. They were so lucky. But none of them realised it yet. She was certain though, that one day soon, they will know. Hopefully, she thought to herself, that one day will come soon.

By night, the family had dinner without the superhero. There were jokes and laughter thrown around by the mother and older daughter. But the little girl sat in silence, poking at the brocolli that looked like miniature trees, wondering when her superhero will be back.

By bedtime, it was the slender lady who tucked them all in. There were no stubles to tickle her, no goodnight kisses, and no fairytales.

The fan whirred at constant speed. The little girl lifted up her wide brown eyes to look at a man sitting opposite her, pot-bellied with a grim expression and focused on the television set. The couch beneath her was getting warmer, the clock showed that it was almost time for bed and she was certain she could not sit still a moment longer. And so she did not for she got up from the black leather couch and went to her room as quick as her short little legs would allow her to. Having reached into her cupboard, she pulled out a thick, hard cover book that was as big as her torso and then headed back to the living room where he man was still intently watching his movie.

"Papa, tell me a story," she asked of him. The man's eyes had finally lifted itself from the screen and down to the little girl hugging the big book, palms just a little too small to fit its width. The corners of his mouth lifted and amused was he of his little girl, he carried her, sat her unto his lap and put his arms around her. He helped open the precious book that was in her hands and turned to a story that he knew she had heard before.

"One day, there was a man whose wife had died and left him a daughter. He had remarried a widow who had two daughters of her own," he read. The little girl listened intently in silence to his low yet clear voice as she read along the text in the book. True, she had heard this before. Who would not have heard of Cinderella? She love though to simply be with him. By the time the story ended she was feeling drowsy. The book closed and she was brought to her room. The little girl gave the man a hug and he kissed her goodnight right after tickling her with his prickly stubble by rubbing his chin against her cheek. She had always giggled whenever she felt that prickly yet ticklish sensation on her skin. "Goodnight, sweetheart."

The day ended just like that. She was happy it was so. Her father, the strong superhero of a man, was the man she loved very much and she felt safe and secure just knowing he was there.

Here's a peek at something I've been working on for quite some time. I've procrastinated, got seduced and lead away from studying and assignment finishing by one simple little character.



Hm, bad graphics. However, I'm quite excited actually. I foresee this will be a long term project. Creativity always ambushes me at the wrong time.

Some tips on being beutiful. Quoted from Sam Levenson (1999), favourited by Audrey Hepburn, touched the public.


Time Tested Beauty Tips

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.

For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.

For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.

For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.

For poise, walk with the knowledge you'll never walk alone.

People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; Never throw out anybody.

Remember, If you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.

As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.

The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole, but true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows, and the beauty of a woman with passing years only grows!

Sometimes silence is all you need.

It's quiet, it's blank, there's nothing to distract you, nothing to disturb you. No pain, no tears, no drama... just a blank sheet of paper. And I want that blank sheet of paper to stay like that for a while.

I'm so sick of having nice, blank papers splashed with ink. For now, I just want total and utter silence. Just stone for a while.

Blank.

Do you have your own inspirations in life? Something or someone that teaches you how to live? If you don't, think of all the people in your life. Your enemies, your loved ones, your dog -anyone. Had they given you values or an idea in life? For me, currently at this moment, my inspirations come from God and three men.

My first inspiration, comes from God because he has taught me how to live even through the hardest times. There were many a time when I was circling endlessly in darkness, hitting myself on things because I couldn't see and thought that maybe if I ended my life, every pain, every tear drop, every scar collected and every problem would just disappear. But at that moment when I thought of being extinct, I thought of God. I couldn't just waste my life away like that and besides, the problems I faced, others have faced to. So I pushed those thoughts aside, got up and searched for a light. And I found it eventually. He has taught me that if I can survive one problem, I could survive another.

My second inspiration, came from one of the men in my life -my father. He has taught me pushed me to aim higher in life and even though you don't get it, at least you're somewhere. When he was around he had always pushed me to be better, do better than what I'm doing. But he has never put much pressure on me and that was good. He has shown me and the rest of the world that even though you're someone who started the low point, you will be somewhere near the top if you try hard enough and is persistent.

Another man whom has given me my third inspiration is my brother. He taught me that putting your whole effort and heart in doing something will be satisfactory and guilt free. Even though you do not get the result you were looking for, at least you had tried your best into completing what you should and could look back without guilt of not trying harder.

Last but not least, another inspiration of life comes from Eng Yew. He has taught me, in love, how to be patient and that most of the time actions could really mean more than words. We had and have many rough patches but through all those, he has taught me how to grow.

With that being said, I am grateful for the four inspirations in my life. They had given me colour in life and shown me that impossible could become possible. Of course, these aren't the only ones. There are many others, but these, at the moment as well as whether indirectly or directly, shown me the meaning in life. Although one of the men isn't here anymore, he and his valuable teachings will forever be in my mind and heart.

Hah! I bet you didn't expect me doing this post, eh?

I know I'm a banana, but I enjoy music in other languages too, you know? And this song is really sweet. Read the lyrics (there's English translation subtitle). The thing I don't like about this MV is that it has a depressing end. So don't suit the sweetness, don't you think? Enjoy...

---

You'll never guess who composed this.

---

When sweet memories flood my mind,
My heart begin to flow with the flooding river,
At the thought of kissing you;
When you are very close to me.
When I'm comfortable with you now.

When we are getting even closer,
My heart continue run even faster,
Reaching to be first in the race,
But the race is like never ending;
Never reaching the ending line.

When I try to reach you,
Your heart races with mine at the same time,
Both running in the same direction;
In the endless track,
Which both of us never know who will win.

When my heart conquers my mind,
I start losing myself to you slowly,
Try to reach for you,
But our goals are different,
Falling back makes our distance began to increase.

When unexpected phenomena happens,
I begin to laugh;
My heart gives up;
I already lose in the race,
Everything is back to normal.

When everything's back to normal,
River stops flowing,
Endless race has stop,
My mind conquers back my heart,
I settle down myself.

When I wanna catch you back to me,
My hands and fingers became numb;
Wouldn't move for good,
Stop me from doing anything,
Stop me from racing again.

When a night full of fireworks;
A night full of stars;
A night full of wind;
Suddenly heavy rain falls onto the ground;
And wash out everything from the sky to the ground.

When I'm on top of my own mountain,
I was pushed down the slope,
Fell into a dark valley with nothing around me;
No direction;
No light to guide me.

When I woke up from dat day,
A rope falls to me;
Saving me from my darkness;
Bringing me back to my land;
I'm free from the valley.

And I will never hope to fall again....
But I will never give up in conquering my fear.

by DummiesForLife