Musings of Joadele: August 2012

Conflicts

Conflicts are a tricky thing. Sometimes you know what's going on on your side, but clueless about what's going on on the other side. Or there are cases whereby you are aware about what's going on on the other side, but feel lost and confused on your side. Other times, you know what is going on and both your side and the other side, but it is the other party that is unaware of what exactly is happening. It's okay if none of this makes sense. It probably means you do not have to go through much conflict (yet). Or I am being too vague, but I haven't really got the time to sit and think how to make this more understandable.

Then there is the part where you have to decide whether or not you want to solve the conflict. Is the conflict worth solving? Does it jeapordize chances of working opportunities or even good relationships? Once you've figured that out, then comes the matter of how to approach the problem. Here is where I sometimes find it frustrating. I hate conflicts. Of course, no one really likes conflicts, but I really detest it to the core. Simply because of the hassle it brings or the way people act in it. There are people who, in a conflict situation, come full force into it, trying to make things clear by debating it to the ground with their opponent, but never seem to open up their minds to a different perspective besides their own. Then there are people who pretend everything is okay, act nice and then do whatever is possible to get rid of their frustration festering inside of them without facing the problem or person they have issues with. I don't know which is worse, the one that attacks head on or the one that hides behind your back and makes faces (metaphorically speaking).

Personally, I think problems with people or things that matter really should be solved A.S.A.P. However, there are times when situations do not allow it, or the other side just wants to shut out for the moment or have nothing to do with it at all. What's left is to push it or leave it. In time perhaps, things would stand right again. We will learn something new from the event and grow.

Things might fall apart and break, but there's the option of gluing it back together or move on and get something new. What can be salvaged, we shall salvage. What cannot be fixed no matter how you try, it is better to save the effort and time.

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, by Joadele

In thoughts,

Expectations

Expectation. A belief on a future, something or someone. We go through life with expectations all the time. Some of us expect to get terrific marks in examinations, while others are just expecting to just reach the passing mark. Some of us expect to have a full-time job by the time we hit our twenties (or even earlier), while others expect something different. It is great to have expectations. At least we know there's a bar line that we need to hit. Some sort of performance that we need to meet to have that sense of satisfaction or glory. Without expectations there might not be creation of goals or wonderful achievements in life.

"Apart from a few starry-eyed poets or monks living on a mountaintop somewhere, however, we all have expectations. We not only have them, we need them. They fuel our dreams, our hopes, and our lives like some super-caffeinated energy drink.”
― Tonya Hurley, Homecoming

The thing about Expectation is that it may or may not be real. Expectation can breed Disappointment when Reality does not meet it. Expecting an online item to be just the same when you order it, expecting your lover to forever stay as romantic as he is, expecting the people around you to act the way you want them to- they all have the possibility to only breed you disappointment. I wonder as well, which is more stressful- putting your idealised expectations on others or having others put their expectations of you, on you? Thinking about it, relationships do sour when there's high expectations between just two individuals. Sometimes, in relationships- any sort of relationships (i.e. friendships, lovers, families)- expectations just seem to pull one party down and neither party could understand why the tension string is pulled. I guess the most stressful point of expectations is when you actually care about meeting other people's expectations of you.

“If you spent your life concentrating on what everyone else thought of you, would you forget who you really were? What if the face you showed the world turned out to be a mask... with nothing beneath it?”
― Jodi Picoult, Nineteen Minutes

Worse, in my opinion, are selfish expectations on people. That's when you expect everything of someone and have nothing of what you expect from you to that someone. Then you get angered, frustrated and grow a disliking for him or her because he or she cannot meet what you expect. What you fail to realise is that you did not meet any of their expectations either, but they just take it as it is and move on while you lament about how they fail as being your idealised friend/partner/lover/parent/child/etc. Better yet, is when you carry around expectations of what an ideal person should be.

“When someone sees the same people every day, as had happened with him at the seminary, they wind up becoming a part of that person's life. And then they want the person to change. If someone isn't what others want them to be, the others become angry. Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own.”
― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.”
― Donald Miller, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years: What I Learned While Editing My Life

Expectations effect happiness. I remember reading a Richard Lazarus stating that when a person goes through life with hardships and deprivation have happier thoughts about their life because of the positive expectation they set. On the other hand, a person that goes through a well off life think negatively about their life because of the negative expectation they use as a guide in their life. I also wonder if people are happier with lower expectations in life and unsatisfied people are like that because of high expectations that are rarely met?

“There were two ways to be happy: improve your reality, or lower your expectations”
― Jodi Picoult, Nineteen Minutes

To some extent, some people cannot understand why on certain things, I do not set higher goals in life or have higher expectations of other people. They wonder how I could stay so patient when things do not go as "ideally" as possible. The thing is...